My first word was “mama“. My mother was an addict. For years she struggled with everything ranging from alcohol to pain killers, From Marijuana to cocaine. We had a relationship that can’t be described. I could try, but nobody can grasp a mother and her children’s relationship unless they are involved. Most of my life we spent arguing, and I was in and out of the house. Our addictions and stubbornness clashed in a big way.

Don’t get me wrong I love my mom. I wish the entire world could have met her, so they could see first hand, that so much love, beauty, and strength only needs about five feet of woman to live. Even fighting with her addictions and Hepatitis “C” she still tried her best to keep us clothed, fed, and feeling loved. Let me say even in out biggest fights, I never felt like she didn’t love me

When it seemed like no one else was there, I could always count on my mom. My biological dad left, and my mom worked as a server to take care of, and support me and my eldest sister. What a woman. My only regret is not being there when things got tough for her, as she was for me. Imagine if she had her children to hold her, to tell her she had a problem, maybe she wouldn’t have gone overboard.

My mama overdosed on June 9th, 2005. (Seen above with me, quite a few years ago)

I am the kind of person that likes to constantly be doing something.  Whether it is working on a project, teaching someone something or just sitting somewhere and tapping my foot.  It’s a moving compulsion.  I realize this especially when I am in the soundbooth at my church.  I realized today.  Even during the pastors message, I was pacing.  When there was prayer, I was pacing.  When nothing at all was happening.  I was pacing.  I was moving the entire service.  I am always moving, or thinking.

I wonder why that is?  I like to think I have a fairly good relationship with God.  But, then times like today, I realize, I move. I move. I move.

Several times over the last week, Psalm 46:10 has come up.

Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

It’s come up while I was reading blogs, while I was cruising the internet.  Even in just regular conversation.  People have told me to just be still at work, and most people tell me I am a very high strung person.  Why is it that I am afraid to be still?  It’s weird.

I don’t have a solution.  I don’t even have an answer.  What do you struggle with? Is it something you knew you struggled with or did it just jump at you one day like this did me?   It’s so awesome how God works isn’t it?