I have felt a tugging at my heart for some time now.  A tugging to look past the flaws of Human, and to move beyond that.  To flush out the noise, and focus only on Him.

The noise is almost drowned, and my sights are homing in.  Questions are running through my head.  The who’s, the what’s, the why’s.  I am not sure these will ever been answered entirely.  But I am sure I’ll have a better understanding.

It’s Monday, it’s been a week since I’ve posted.  It may be another week until I post again.  Who knows, it may be tomorrow.  Life has been crazy lately.  I have done everything I can to remove the extra noise from my life.  Some of the noises are just the noises of life, and I have to live with them.  I have a few different topics I would like to write about.

What about you?  How has your life been?  What can we all pray for for you?

A lot has been going through my mind lately, questions about my faith, my purpose, why I do the things I do, and, why am I not good at doing certain things. I stopped for a moment today, my back turned to my girlfriend, with tears running down my face, and let it all go. I told her I feel like a waste of space, like, I’m not moving towards my purpose, if anything, I feel like I’m regressing. Here I am, 23 years old, with the entire world staring me in the face, and I’m cowering like a child in a haunted house. Feeling a little defeated, I didn’t want to talk much more, so I did my normal quiet routine, not expecting a response. I didn’t feel there was much to say that hadn’t already been said.

“Everything you’re doing is moving towards your purpose. Reading the Bible, and building your relationship with Jesus.”

That’s all she said. That’s all she had to say. I realized today, a relationship with God isn’t a twelve step program. It’s not something where I can just show up once a week and praise, or read the bible occasionally, and BOOM! it will happen. I have to make my life his. Surrender, so to speak, my life to Christ Jesus. In theory, I thought I had. (Being saved) But, I haven’t even began. I realized, the answer I’ve been looking for, a way out of this self-doubt, to fend of the tricks Satan is playing on me, is right here.

When this world starts getting me down, don’t cower, don’t ignore my problems. Ask the Lord. Someone told me, it’s easy to ask God for what you want, but nearly impossible to ask him for what you need. I never really took that in, until just now. My stubbornness to ask the Lord is the reason Satan is still getting the best of my mind.

I have mentioned that I have questions in a lot of my blogs.  It’s because it’s in my DNA to have them.  I think everyone does that to an extent.  Questions things I mean.  But, today is one of those days, where I am critiquing myself, and every way I “behave”.  It hit me today that maybe my inability to accept things without a question is hindering me in some way.  I mean. I don’t have any solid proof, or concrete examples, but it was just dropped on my heart today.

I’m not necessarily talking about “spirituality”.  I am also talking about relationships, professional and personal.  Sometimes when Andrea does something, I’ll question her.  Like, “Why didn’t you just do this.” or something like that, and it’s something silly, like she used plastic wrap instead of tin foil… Suppose that is building a wall in between her and I, one we don’t see or notice until years down the road?  I don’t know.  It’s just something I have been thinking about.

It’s funny, because this blog is questioning my questioning.  I told you. It’s in my DNA.  It’s not right.  All I’m saying, is I need to have the wisdom to accept things.  Just accept them.  Not because I can’t change them, but maybe because they are perfect in God’s way just the way they are.  I know I’m not perfect, but perhaps accepting things will make me more peaceful with myself as well as with people and God.

Ya dig?