I cussed.  

I’m sorry. 

I’m not really sorry for cussing.  Because I would spend a lot of time apologizing.  I do try really hard to watch my mouth, but that’s my struggle.

With that said, what I am sorry for is that some people communicated to me yesterday that they now question my faith.  I’m sorry for that.  I’m sorry that we live in a society where we question one’s faith because of one word, or because of their middle name.  All the while lobbying to get all of these Mexicans out of ‘our’ country.  All this time, supporting a war that has thousands dying.  All this time, we cover our own sin and find one that is ‘worse’.  I’m sorry that the world is like that.  

Tony Campolo said, First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition.  Second, most of you don’t give a shit. What’s worse is that you’re more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night.

I do pray every night that the world won’t be like that, and I do believe that there can be something done about it.  That’s another blog.  Today, I am writing to only say, I’m sorry my language worries you enough to question my relationship with Jesus Christ.  

I write today to assure that Jesus Christ is and always will be my Saviour, and I believe he can forgive me for my language.  As he can forgive you for your ___________ (Fill in the blank)  

Instead of pointing fingers at eachother, let’s pray for each other.  Instead of pointing fingers, and ‘de-Christianizing’.  Let’s hold each other accountable with love.  Instead of anger and nitpicking, let’s love and hold up.  

Jesus died for my profanity, just as he died for your porn addiction, or your alcoholism, or your failing marriage.  Jesus loves us all.  

Lord, Forgive me.  You know my heart, and more so, you know my struggles.  I don’t want to justify my actions, only beg for your forgiveness.  God, I am a human.  A broken broken human.  I try.  Help me love people.  Help people love me.  Lord, most importantly, help us all love You.  We are a broken people and the only way for us to truly live is with Your love.  Give it to us Jesus.  Please.  

   – Amen

Five years ago, my sister died in a crazy freak car accident.  Five years ago, my best friend overdosed at my house, on my couch.  Five years ago, I had just gotten out of Fulton County Jail, or Rice Street, not the nicest place in the world.  Three years ago my mother died.  This whole time I was fighting off addictions, jobs, bills, evictions, and everything in between.

Tonight, I stood in the kitchen of my apartment. (And andrea’s but for the impact of this blog, I’m calling it mine.)  We had her mother over for dinner.  It hit me.  God has rocked my world.  When I was in Rice Street, I toyed with the idea of becoming a Christian, but once I was free I was quick to stop asking God to move my heart.  I think it was too late.  The seed had been planted.

I have an apartment in my name.  I have a job that isn’t half bad. (Most of the time.)  I have a job that isn’t pouring drinks for alcoholics while their lives crumble around them. I have a beautiful, strong willed, huge hearted fiance, I DO NOT have a drug habit.  I have credit that is close to repaired, and creditors haven’t called me in quite some time.  I have a great life.  I don’t think I have ever said that with 100% conviction.

Can I just say:

God.  I LOVE YOU! You took me and shook me up.  You watched while I nearly destroyed my life, and when I was on my last string, (Or past my last string 4 times) You picked me up just enough for me to learn how to fly on my own.  God.  You have used every resource possible to teach me, and build me up.  You watched, I can only imagine in pain and sorrow, as I used every resouce I had to forget, and tear myself down.  You watched my heart stop, on 4 different occasions, and gave me another chance time and time again.  God.  You rock.  You more than rock.  You ARE my Rock!  WIthout You, I am only a screw up, with You, well. I’m still a screw up, but there is something more.  Something that keeps me going.  Something inside of me, that makes me stop a second sooner than I used to.  That 1 second is the difference.

Jesus God.  Wow.  I am awe struck by You.  I don’t know how to say it… or if it means much but, Thank You for loving me.  Thank You for teaching me, in all of my imperfections.  Thank You for being steadfast.  I LOVE YOU GOD!

AMEN

So.  I’m working on a lot of great things lately.  I feel a little overwhelmed at work, and after work, I have so much going on, that I haven’t had much time around here.

I can say, God is working in a million ways in my life alone.  I have a million things to be grateful for.  I have a million eye openers each day.  Let me tell you.  God will open your eyes.  Whew.

Anyway.  I want to sit down, read a couple of chapters from “The Book”, and write about what it speaks to me.  I also want to write in a real journal, sometimes that’s refreshing.  Of course, that will all end up here.  So don’t leave me!

I will also be going to see “Call and Response”. This movie needs viewers!  Take anyone and everyone you know.  All of the proceeds go to stop child sex slavery/trafficking.  You might not know, Atlanta is the number 1 city in America, and number 13 in the World, for Child sex slavery.  **Barf!**  We need to bring awareness, prayer, and support to causes like this.

Until then, be in prayer for prayer requests on this blog, and all around the world.  We need to let our light shine now more than ever!  Don’t just sit there.  Do Something.

How can I pray for you?  I want this blog to be more than me just talking about stuff.  I want it to be interactive.  I want you to express your needs.  I want to pray for you.  I want to set aside a time where I do nothing but pray for requests heard here.  Let me know what you want me to pray about!

Just comment right here, comment anonymously if you need to.  Just let me pray for you.

Thanks.

I try to write about encounters I have had in my life that have shaped me.  Good and bad.  I try to reflect on them.  In the process I make myself very vulnerable.  I put a lot of my life out here for a lot of people to read.  It’s pretty insane.  But my goal is for people to see the Grace and Love of Jesus Christ.

I have thought a lot lately about the Crucifixion.  That is the most intense thing to think about.  If you ever feel comfortable in your skin think about, I mean, REALLY think about it.  It will make your heart swell.  Wednesday night we read the prayer Jesus prayed the night before his Crucifixion.

Luke 22:42
“Father, if your will, please take this cup from me. But, not my wish, do it according to your will,”

How much would I really love to pray that prayer?  I am so good at “Father, Please take this cup from me.”  That’s normally where my prayer ends.  If I say “Your will be done.” I normally in the back of my mind am saying, “Only if your will is what i want.”

Did you read that!?  I’m serious!  That’s how my head works.  I want what I want, not what I need.  I want the newest tool. (iPhone) I want the biggest juiciest steak, (not my daily bread).  Your will be done?  Come on, who am I kidding.  I have rarely lived that life.

I am envious of the people who do.  I am also envious of the people who have the gadgets, and steak, and straight teeth, and a full head of hair, and no acne, and a lot of money, and a cushier job.  I’m envious in my vain.  Ya dig? I want to thank God all of the time. It’s hard.  It’s hard to thank God for the bad junk.  At least we have junk, right?  I want to thank God for the half empty cup. Heck. I want to thank God for the empty cup.

But, I only thank God when my cup runneth over. **sigh**

I have issues.  I want you all to pray with me.

God. I love You.  You really are amazing.  God, today I ask that your will is for me to want your will.  God, I want to be the grateful man with nothing.  I want to be grateful in your will.. Your Will God! God, I want to build myself up, to be a better man.  God, I want my crisis to become celebration.  I want to be happy for the empty cup.  Jesus, your blood washed my sins away, and I’m asking again.  God, Cleanse me of my horrible selfish attitude.  God, you are Great.
In the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen.

With that said, I am going to go, pray that prayer a few more times.