I haven’t written a lot lately.

I read Ragamuffin Gospel and it jacked me up.  God has entered my life full time, and it’s really jacking me up.

I am struggling through a lot of things, that I am trying really hard to deal with.  I’ve become my mother in a lot of ways, and it bothers me.

I try so hard to not let my anger show, or worse, say things I will regret, but I do.

I’m praying God will move me through these times.  I’m praying God will soften my heart, and help me be the man I want to be.

Thank you to who ever still stops by.  I will start writing again soon.  Once I work all this stuff out, there will be some real, authentic, and probably uncomfortable writing going on here.

Thanks for your prayers.

When I was little, I was pretty convinced that I could not sunburn. My first sunburn didn’t happen on my parents watch either.  My babysitter took us all to the pool, from 8 in the morning to sund0wn.  Sunburn is probably an understatement.  The sun destroyed me.

I remember my mom’s reaction that night when she got home.  She took one look at me and my siblings and…. well, let’s just say she put the Hell in Helen.  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why she was so upset with the babysitter.  All I was capable of thinking was that our babysitter did something nice for us, and let us play in the pool longer than mom did.  I thought maybe my mom was mad because she thought we’d start to like our babysitter more than her, because our babysitter let us do more stuff.

Looking back, I get it.  The reason my mom made me get out of the pool all the time was she knew my tolerance.  She knew exactly how long I could stay in the sun.  Exactly when I needed to put more sunscreen on.  It’s pretty impressive.  I’ve only ever been sunburned because of my own poor judgment.

I could take the obvious metaphor here and relate this to God, and if we do things God’s way we’d be alright… but I’m not gonna. I just thought I’d write this out, and think about it.  Just knowing that I’m gonna be a parent soon makes me think about this stuff.  Am I gonna know when my little girl needs to come in from the sun?

Weird stuff.  Thoughts?

Tomorrow I will watch the love of my life walk down the aisle.  I could not be more excited.  Tomorrow, I start my life.  Tomorrow, everything will change.  Tomorrow people from all over the country will gather into our church, just to watch her and I exchange vows, kiss, and eat cake.

There is one thing that is on my mind.  Tomorrow, there will be some people very important to me who will not be there.  Tomorrow, I will miss my mother, Helen.  My sister, Adrienne. My best friend, Matthew. Andrea’s Grandfather, Roland. More people, (I have a long list, you don’t want me to go on.)

The people mentioned above all had their quirks.  The people above all changed my life.  I never really got a chance to tell the people above how much I loved them.  Somehow, I know they know.  I loved them a lot. Nontheless, tomorrow will be a celebration of all things.  Tomorrow will be the happiest day of my life.  Have I mentioned lately that I am marrying the most beautifulist girl in the whole wide universe?

Because I am.

I inherited a lot of questionable genes and features from my mother.  If you don’t believe me take a long look at my nose.  Seriously.

One thing I am greatful for is through everything, her ability to raise me with a deep love for music.  Some of my favorite memories with her are driving in the car and singing at the top of our lungs.  My favorite is probably when we pulled over on the corner of Killian Hill and Five Forks, because “Groovy Kind of Love” came on the radio, and she needed to dance with me. (I was young, I didn’t understand the lyrics)  It’s amazing, through all of the roughness of our relationship we always had music.  And her taste was pretty awesome. (Until the Clay Aiken phenomenon)

I don’t know what I would do without music.  The good, the bad, all of it.  It really brings joy to my soul.  Last night, I was able to go with my fiance, Andrea, and see Jack Johnson.  One of my favorite musicians, and it was amazing!  There is just something about listening to good live music with the person you love, that makes all of lifes worries and stresses seem worth while.

That brings me to worship.  Because of my love for music, I learned a lot about A/V stuff.  Which is what probably made me a good candidate for the voluteer leader for our A/V team at my church.  I love it.  I absolutely love it, but sometimes, I find myself so caught up in the technical side, I find it hard to raise my hands and worship.  That, to me, is sad.  So when churches say they are going to do a “Night of Worship”, I jump all over it.  Especially if I am not asked to work the booth!

To me, worship should be all of the time.  I try to live worship.  But it is hard.  WIth work, and stress, and pains, and hurts in life, It is hard to set aside a time to just worship.  It is much easier to lose touch than I had ever thought.  I also believe there is nothing more beautiful then an entire room of people, joined in spirit, soul, and location to worship. When you add people watching from ALL OVER this World…… wow….It’s a wonderful thing.

So tonight, I will be with my fiance,  Phone off, Hands up, Heart open.

God, today, more than ever, I want You to move in me.  I ask You touch my soul and give me the refill I am so thirsty for.  Not just me, Lord, but everyone around the world who are thirsty like me.  Even the people who don’t know it, God, Just touch each and every one of us.

We are all hurting, in this world, that’s the easiest thing to do, remind us that through you ALL things are possible, and that we live, in everything we do, to bring You glory.  This is my prayer for everyone Lord.  I love You so much, and I want to show it with my strengths, weaknesses and shortcomings.  Let me be a vessel for you God.

Amen.