I have a scar on my stomach. It’s a scar that dates itself 4 and a half years. Every morning when I’m looking in the mirror, I see that scar and my mind is flooded with memories.

See. The day I was stabbed was the beginning of an end. Within that 24 hour period I was fired, evicted and stabbed. As I look at this scar, I remember the day my life changed forever.

That was the day I looked in the mirror at a cut up face, a stab wound and a meth addict. That was the day I was met with a real life dilemma. I needed to quit using, or end up dead. I hated my life, so it wasn’t as easy a decision as it sounds.

That night, I slept in a gas station bathroom in the dead of winter. I laid there fighting with myself. Freezing, lost and broken, I suddenly felt the strength that I needed. I knew, at that moment, I was going to live, and that I needed to sober up to do this.  I knew I had the strength to do so.

I was scared, nervous, broken and excited all at once. Looking back, there is NO mistaking that strength came from God. He first loved me. He saved me. He heard my struggles that night, and knew what I needed.

When I look at this scar, I’m reminded of the struggles i’ve overcome, and I’m reminded of His redemption.  I’m reminded that I can never do it alone.  I’m reminded that even in the darkest of days, He was there, looking after me.

I look at my stomach, I see more than a scar, I see healing.  I see redemption. I see a second chance.  I see love.  This scar will probably never go away, and I’m ok with that.

So, I say all of this to really say, embrace your scars.  They have made you you.  You are who are you are today because of scars, because of pain and because of love.  Do you have scars that you resent?  Do you have scars you want to disappear?  Think twice about that.  Without those scars you may not be the wounded healer Jesus wants you to be.

Everything seemed to be going fine.  Andrea and I were helping lead youth group at our church, I was heading up the tech booth, and aside from the occasional fight, we were good.  I mean… I thought we were good.

I hadn’t had a drink in several years.  I don’t remember the circumstances now, but somehow I had convinced myself and Andrea that having a beer or two was something I could definitely handle.  So, we went to the bar across the street from her apartment, and I had a beer.  (Or two.)  The next night, we went to the bar across the street from her apartment and I had a beer. (or two)  (Ok. Maybe 3 this time)

I don’t believe I was drinking every night, but for the most part, I was just having a couple of beers, so everything was cool.  As time progressed, when we were drinking, I was having a little bit more and a little bit more.  It got to the point where if I could, I would drink until I was sick.  Honestly, I didn’t think anything of it.  It was just ‘one of those nights.’  you know?  There were a few instances where I would get mad at Andrea when she tried to talk to me about drinking, or worse, ask me not to.  We got into an argument one night, and when she dropped me off at home, I went in, and instead of calling her to smooth it over, I passed out.  To this day, I wish to God I had picked up the phone and called her.

One afternoon, Andrea and I went out to “On the Border” with a friend of hers.  We ate.  Actually, I remember that day well, because I ordered a build your own burrito, but didn’t think that each item costed extra, so I built the worlds most expensive burrito.  Afterwards, her friend had to hit the road, but Andrea wanted to go across the street to Starbucks.

We got our drinks, went outside to sit, and then I realized something was wrong.  She didn’t go into much details-or I was just stunned and don’t remember, but the net/net was that she was breaking up with me.  My stomach went into a knot, which must have made room for my heart, because it dropped about 4 inches.  ”How could this happen?  We’re so happy.  Sure, I have some issues, you have some issues, but we’re perfect.” I said to myself.  Outloud however I said something along the lines of, “Ok.  Can you take me home?”

It didn’t really hit me until that night.  The next day, it hit me even harder.  Things went down hill quickly.  You know, when one second you feel like you have complete control of everything, and then the next second you only have control of a few things…. how you start to just…. try to control anything and everything you can?

It was going to be a tough time indeed….

It’s coming up on Easter.  Andrea and I are talking more often and her heart seems to be softening a little bit.  Her fear of commitment is still there, and honestly my hunger for commitment is to cover up deeper seeded scars I’m afraid to confront.

One night I’m laying in bed, and I felt something overcome me.   Out of no where, I started to feel weak, broken, worthless.  I was Asking Andrea about her God, and she talked to me about Him.  Not the, “Accept or Perish” I was so used to hearing, but the relational side of Christ.

I broke down.  I said something to the affect that God could never love me, I’m worthless.  I’ve done things that can never been forgiven.  I’ve seen things that should never be seen. I was pretty much convinced I was going to hell.

Andrea quickly replied by telling me about the disciples, and what they had done before they met Christ.  I was in awe.  I couldn’t believe it!

The next day she invited me to her Wednesday night service.  I believe this was Ash Wednesday. Chris Seay was the guest speaker.  It was amazing.  It was actually really awesome.  It hit my heart pretty hard.  Of course, Sunday I was invited to Easter service and I went.  I was nervous about meeting Andrea’s family.  We went out to lunch afterwards and her family was really nice.  I felt at home.

about a week later, I accepted Christ in to my heart.

Andrea and I were still just ‘friends’, but I could feel we were growing closer.  We spent more time together, and I was starting to learn her heart, know her thoughts.  I was starting to love her with all of my heart.

I don’t know if she will admit it today, but I think she was falling for me too.

To be continued…..

Fast forward to St. Patrick’s day. (2006)

Andrea had to work.  I hung out at her apartment all day, waiting for her to get off.  I started drinking early.  really early.  So, by the time it was time to go out, I was well on my way to being drunk. 

A huge group of us started on our way to the local hangout.  We were having a blast, but Andrea and I couldn’t show our affection towards one another, because no one knew.  Her friend who was interested in me sat next to me, and we all were having a good time.  There was a radio station there giving out prizes.  One of the prizes was tickets to the Jamie Cullum concert.  Andrea looked at me and said, “I want those tickets.” 

The question was, “What does Budweiser stand for?”  I immediately darted to the front.  Years prior, an old man named Billy sat me down and explained the history of Budweiser to me, so I knew that, in fear of copyright infringement, Anheiser Busch had decided that Budweiser stood for, “Because U Deserve What Every Individual Should Enjoy Regularly”.  I run to the front and answer the question.  Boom!  Tickets to Jamie Cullum!  I was so happy, and again, I couldn’t celebrate with a hug or a kiss.  As a matter of fact, I think the question was in the air of who I was taking.  To me… it wasn’t a question.

As the night went on, another one of Andrea’s “Friends” showed up.  I was not thrilled.  Not sure why, nor do I remember the circumstances, but I look over at one point and Andrea was kissing this tiny man.  I couldn’t take it.  I got really upset.  I went outside.  I few people followed me, and that’s when I let the cat out of the bag, that I had feelings for her.  That didn’t make the night go any smoother, which, was fine by me, because at that point, I blacked out.

I’m not exactly sure what happened from that moment forward, but I do know we all headed back to Andrea’s apartment.  Apparently Andrea and I were arguing and I said I had to go outside to have a cigarette.  (She was on the second floor, so I stepped out on her balcony.)  Again, I don’t remember, but apparently, I leaped over the balcony, and on to the ground.  But, I didn’t land on my feet. 

I’m not sure how or why I did that, but I did.  I ended up in the ER.  This is where I start coming out of my blackout.  Andrea was there.  And the girl who was interested in me was there as well.  But, Andrea was back in the room with me.  They had to run X-rays on me and all sorts of stuff.  I was really drunk, so was acting silly.  I do remember looking Andrea in the eyes and saying, “I love you.”  She didn’t reply.  I don’t think she thought I meant it.  Turns out I wasn’t severely injured, and the Doctors said that if I hadn’t been drunk, I would have really injured myself.  I remember thinking, “If I hadn’t been drunk, I wouldn’t have jumped off a balcony.”  There were some other events that happened in the ER that I am not going to talk about today, because it’s a little above PG.  But, trust me, it was probably one of the most awkward moments in my life. 

That’s the night I think Andrea realized I had a drinking problem.  (Not that I did anything about it for quite some time) 

So, now the cat is out of the bag.  Everyone knows I like Andrea.   And, from what I can tell, everyone was telling Andrea that I am NOT the kind of guy she wants to be with.  I’m a recovering drug addict, alcoholic, mentally unstable.  They were right too. 

There’s still a lot more to this story.  I hope you keep reading.

We continued to talk.  Text messaging was all the rage, so that happened a lot.   We’d go to Waffle House and eat.  She made me laugh.  She made me forget I was withdrawing from drugs.  I was fresh out of a relationship and she was going through stuff of her own.  I told her I was still in love with a girl I dated, and she’d kind of make fun of me.  She’d tell me about some guys she was ‘talking to’ (Some in other states), and explain to me her fear of commitment.  We were good friends.

I few months prior, I had my eyes on one of her friends.  She came around again and we talked to.  Nothing serious, just chatted, you know.  One night, we all went out.  A group of friends.  The fact that Andrea and I had kissed or been talking as much as we have was a secret (Per her request).  After a few drinks, Andrea and her friends went to the bathroom and gave said girl a pep talk. Told her to “go for it”, regarding me.  She walked out, and we kissed.  I look over on the dance floor and Andrea was kissing another dude.  It made me sad.  That moment I realized, that I had to have her for my own.  That didn’t mean anything.  It’s just what I realized.

We ended up getting left at the club, I think, and finding another ride to Waffle House.  That night was interesting.  A bunch of us ended up gathering at my house so I could play guitar and we could sing and crashing on the floor in my living room… Andrea was there.  We didn’t talk much that night, but I did try to kiss her.  She denied me.

We continued to talk, and we got closer and closer.  She would pick me up from work. (Secretly) her friend still liked me, (openly) so we were secret ‘friends’.  I would bring her food after we closed. (At this point I worked at Chili’s)  She liked the lettuce wraps.  I made them carefully for her.  She would bring me coffee or cupcakes or both. (from starbucks, where she worked)  We’d lay around, watch adult swim, she’d stay until we were both falling asleep, and she’d leave.  Those moments, man.  I can’t even explain those moments.   When she touched me, my heart sank.  When I thought we might kiss, my heart sped up.  When I saw her, my stomach went in knots.  I was no longer the smooth talker.  I was a bumbling idiot.  She made me nervous.

But there was one thing I knew….

When we were together, all of my worries went away.  She listened and she cared.  She knew when to talk, and she knew when to just let me complain.  There was something special about this girl.  I was finally happy.  I think, deep down, at that moment in time, I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.