I found this box set on the side of the road in a puddle.  I picked it up, knowing it was a fairly rare box set.  I worked in the B&N music department when it was released.  I didn’t have the money to buy it, and had accepted that I would never own it.  It’s probably one of my favorite box sets.  Incredible music, incredible heart, incredible good-bye from Mr. Cash.

Music drives me. This, is one of my top 5 faves.  What are your top five favorite albums. (Not musicians, but albums)

Yes. Box sets are acceptable.

I’m really good with words.  I mean really good.  (or is it well? Doesn’t matter) <– see what I did there?

What I mean is, growing up, all I had were my words.  At first, it was defense.  I knew if my mom was going to hit me, if I could make her laugh, she wouldn’t.  At school, I realized that, if I could make kids laugh, they’d like me.  I quickly learned that, with my words I could diffuse any situation.  Teacher’s mad?  I’ll talk to her.  Mom’s grounding me, and not letting me go out? I’ll talk to her, I’ll go out tonight. 

It’s spilled over into my adult life. (As have 100,000 other things.) I can, when I want to, talk my way out of anything. 

So, this is how I pray a lot of time. I reason with God.  I say things like, “You know that bad thing I did, well, it was one time, and… I’m only human, but you know I love you, and you love me, so… we’re cool, right?”

Boom, like that, I try to relieve myself of all responsibility.  God and I talked about it. That’s it. It’s done.

Well, it’s not.  Maybe that’s where a lot of this anger is coming from.  Maybe that’s where a lot of my low self-esteem is coming from.  I think my ‘prayer life’ has been lacking, because of me.  I think I am on to something.  I think I’m scared of working on it.  I’m scared to press the publish button.  I’m scared to confront this.  But I have to or I’ll be right back here in 6 months. (Or still here.)

There’s a lot going on in my head.  Sometimes I’m not able to spit it all out, and sometimes, I’m not even aware it’s happening.  It’s like a world all in itself that I can’t even begin to understand or explain.  Sometimes, the only reason I’m aware things are happening in there, is because my outward actions change drastically, or I notice something that seems a little off from my OCD ways.

I would like to sit and make excuses for my temper. I would like to sit and come up with reasons that I snap at my wife for absolutely no reason.  I would like to sit and make excuses for becoming so obsessed with a social media outlet that I get up in arms about it.  I would like to say, “Daddy wasn’t there.” or “Mommy never hugged me.” but let’s be real for a minute.  While that may be true, what kind of person would I be to let those things dictate my actions or who I am today?

I don’t know exactly what it is, but I don’t like it.  Not one stinking bit.  I don’t like the look on my wife’s face when I say things that hurt her.  I don’t like the look on Gemma’s face when she sees me yelling at mommy.  I don’t like the feeling I get when I’m doing it, and I certainly don’t like the realization that I was wrong.   I don’t like sitting 3 feet from my wife, knowing that something is wrong, and not engaging her.  I don’t like that when I do engage her, I am short, and I feel she’s scared to say what she thinks.   I don’t like the way I react to situations at work.  I don’t like the fact that I react.  Period.

Fact is, there’s something inside of me that is rooting this.  I don’t know what it is.  I do know that, to this day, I’ve been ignoring it, and saying, “It’s hereditary.” . “I can’t change that, you married me knowing this!”, “I don’t have anger issues, everyone argues!”   I can’t do that anymore.  For the sake of my daughter, marriage, and sanity, I cannot do that anymore.

This change doesn’t happen overnight.  How could it, it’s built inside of me for 27 years.  It certainly shouldn’t take 27 years, but I do know what it will take.  Raw honesty with my wife.  Yearning for a closer relationship with Jesus Christ, and really getting to the nitty gritty of my soul.  Taking my actions, thoughts, and temptations and breaking them down

before my wife, myself and Jesus.  Getting alone with Jesus, and letting him break me down.  Getting real with myself, and stop hiding behind the skeletons of my past.  Releasing the anger, resentment and pain I feel everyday towards people who have done me wrong.  Re-baptizing myself in the Holy Spirit, and dying to my flesh daily.

This means I will minimize the noise in my life.  I may go days, weeks, or months without ‘tweeting’ or updating facebook.  It may mean I write my thoughts on paper, and transfer them over to the e-format later.  I don’t know what it means.  This isn’t a ‘quitting social media post’, because that’s not what I’m doing.  I’m re-focusing on the important things.

I do know that my number 1 priority is getting past this, and coming through the other side with my relationship with my wife better than it ever has been.  She’s stood by me when I couldn’t stand by myself, and she deserves a man 100 times better than me.  I strive to be that man.  With my relationship with Christ so strong that no temptation will be able to rock me, no situation will cause me to fall back and nothing can shake my soul.

I’d appreciate your prayers.

When I was 18, I was going to get “No Regrets” tattood on my forearm.  Instead, I later got the ‘Pi’ symbol.  Talk about irony.

It’s probably a good thing I didn’t because there are times I’m overwhelmed with regret.  Sunday, I was laying on the floor, playing with Gemma.  I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know I looked at her, and then I realized that one day, I’m not going to be here.  I realized that, because of decisions I’ve made in the past, that day could come a lot sooner than it should.

That sucks.  Looking at your 6 month old daughter and realizing, “Well, I was too selfish in the past to think about this day, so, when you get a little bit older, I may not be around.”

Now, I know that we could all go at any second.  But, I’m sure there’s some statistic out there that can explain that life choices made, have some sort of adverse effect on your expected life span.

I’m not writing this as a ‘woe is me’ type post.  I’m still going to wake up everyday, and try to have the most positive influence I possible can on my family.  I’m still going to get up, die to myself, and live as best I can.  I’m simply writing this because it’s something that’s been on my heart lately.  I know, had I found this blog when I was 20 I probably would have laughed, but maybe if someone reads this it will stick with them.

For those of you under a rock, (or, if you’re just new here) my wife is due to have our first child in 5 weeks.  That is one of the reasons I have not been blogging a lot.  I have been very busy with ‘real life’ and that kind of jazz.  Preparing for a baby is difficult.  Especially if you have no clue what you’re preparing for.

Painting, building, sandbags, boarded up windows, I’m pretty sure some of those things aren’t 100% necessary but better safe than sorry, right?  It’s funny that if I want to get a dog the humane society would have to come look at my home to make sure it’s suitable, but to take a baby home all I have to do is install a car seat right. (Which the fire department will do for me.) Kind of weird how America works.

Well with that said, I’d like to say, sorry for not writing here.  I know you all look forward to it so much…….

right?

Anyway, I’ll try to write a little bit more when I have time.. What should I write about?