I’ve been doing a lot of reading/praying/thinking/talking lately.

The idea of politics mixed with religion has been a hard one for me to break.  I’ve felt, for most of my adult life I’ve had to pick a side.  I have to have an opinion.  If I don’t vote, I’m part of the problem, if I vote wrong, I’m ignorant or uneducated, and it’s my number 1 duty to protect this country, uphold it’s values, and sacrifice anything I can to make sure that nothing bad happens to it.

I have felt like I need to pick left or right.  Pro-war or anti war.  Pro-choice or pro-life.  Obama or Bush. Oil or alternative energy.  Bigger government or smaller government. Immigrant reform or immigrant deportation.

I cannot pick.  I cannot bring myself to divide my thoughts by such an intolerable inconsistent line.  I think that we, all too often, put our faith in our country and citizenship when I think, more than that, I should be focusing on my citizenship in Heaven. (Phil 3:20)  According to Paul, we should be alien to this planet.  We should be so different that people don’t recognize us.  We should be a light in the darkness.

Instead of conforming to a political party, instead of joining the masses, instead of choosing a party, be the light.

I think it’s time for someone to stand up and say that war is just as big a catastrophe as an abortion.  Time for someone to step forward and say you love the Muslim, Mexican and homosexual, despite what the politics in our country have raised you to think.  Despite what you think they believe about you, and despite what you’ve been told about them.

All too often I’ve found myself captivated by the political climate, and putting every ounce of trust and faith into the next bill to pass (or not pass).  The next deployment to keep me safe.  The next election.  From here on out, I plan to listen to Jesus and be very careful to not put my faith, trust, safety, or heart in a world that I am alien to.  I plan to be so alien that people don’t recognize me, and wonder what’s different about me, so I can answer..

The love of Jesus surrounds me with light, in a world that is only darkness.

It’s coming up on Easter.  Andrea and I are talking more often and her heart seems to be softening a little bit.  Her fear of commitment is still there, and honestly my hunger for commitment is to cover up deeper seeded scars I’m afraid to confront.

One night I’m laying in bed, and I felt something overcome me.   Out of no where, I started to feel weak, broken, worthless.  I was Asking Andrea about her God, and she talked to me about Him.  Not the, “Accept or Perish” I was so used to hearing, but the relational side of Christ.

I broke down.  I said something to the affect that God could never love me, I’m worthless.  I’ve done things that can never been forgiven.  I’ve seen things that should never be seen. I was pretty much convinced I was going to hell.

Andrea quickly replied by telling me about the disciples, and what they had done before they met Christ.  I was in awe.  I couldn’t believe it!

The next day she invited me to her Wednesday night service.  I believe this was Ash Wednesday. Chris Seay was the guest speaker.  It was amazing.  It was actually really awesome.  It hit my heart pretty hard.  Of course, Sunday I was invited to Easter service and I went.  I was nervous about meeting Andrea’s family.  We went out to lunch afterwards and her family was really nice.  I felt at home.

about a week later, I accepted Christ in to my heart.

Andrea and I were still just ‘friends’, but I could feel we were growing closer.  We spent more time together, and I was starting to learn her heart, know her thoughts.  I was starting to love her with all of my heart.

I don’t know if she will admit it today, but I think she was falling for me too.

To be continued…..

11 To illustrate the point further, Jesus told them this story: “A man had two sons. 12 The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons.

13 “A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living. 14 About the time his money ran out, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. 15 He persuaded a local farmer to hire him, and the man sent him into his fields to feed the pigs. 16 The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything.

17 “When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! 18 I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, 19 and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’

20 “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. 21 His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.^[a]’

22 “But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. 23 And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, 24for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began.

25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the fields working. When he returned home, he heard music and dancing in the house, 26 and he asked one of the servants what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother is back,’ he was told, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf. We are celebrating because of his safe return.’

28 “The older brother was angry and wouldn’t go in. His father came out and begged him, 29 but he replied, ‘All these years I’ve slaved for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to. And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. 30 Yet when this son of yours comes back after squandering your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the fattened calf!’

31 “His father said to him, ‘Look, dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours. 32 We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’”

So, last night on the way home from church, we passed by the bar in which I used to work.  I am happy to say that this bar is now out of business.

For those of you who don’t know.  That bar was called the Blue Moose Tavern.  I literally lived at that bar for three and a half months.  That bar is where I did most of my doping, and a good bit of my drinking.  That bar was filled with deceit, hate, lies, backstabbing, and everything that was killing me.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not blaming that place for my problems.  I am fully aware that those were my decisions.  But that bar did not help.  That bar did not make it easy. that bar had my soul for a very very long time, and most of the memories of that bar are very painful.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  That bar holds one very special memory.  That is the first time I ever laid eyes on the most beautiful girl in the world.  The angel in the room full of evil.  The shining light through the cloud of smoke.  The most talented barista in all the world. That is the first place I ever saw Andrea, (before she saw me, I’m pretty sure)  That is the place I spoke my first words to her, which were, “Hey baby, why don’t I take you outside and show you how a real man kisses.”

No. I’m not kidding.  I was a loser.

Because of that meeting, my life has changed, and I fully believe Jesus has a reason for everything.  The reason Andrea was hurting, and going to places like that for escape, may very well be to be a wounded healer for me.

Looking back, it’s almost hard to believe the person I was back then.  It’s impossible to imagine where I would be today.  I thank God for meeting Andrea, in that little piece of Hell.  I’m glad we both left that place.  God is good indeed!

With that said. Praise God!

Good riddance Blue Moose Tavern!

The emptiness. The lost feeling. That void that just needs to be filled. That’s all it will take, Just fill this void, and everything will be OK. Right? How do I fill this void? What do I do to hide from the emptiness? How do I find myself?

These are the things that kept me hiding behind a bottle, or worse, for so many years. The temporary good feeling. The feeling that I’m not alone. If I get high, people can relate to me. If I get high, I can tolerate life. When I’m drunk, I’m a better person. These are all thoughts that I had, and I was serious about. People like me when I am drunk or speeding. I like me when I am drunk or speeding.

Slowly, my perspective changed. If I don’t get high, my life is miserable. I don’t drink that beer, my problems will find me. Sure, I drink a good amount, or, I do dope, but, no one can tell. I cover it up well. It makes me act like a normal person. It makes me want to live. I can kick this whenever I want. I just don’t feel up to it today. If I quit today, I’ll never be able to talk to all those people tonight. I quit today, I’ll sleep in and miss work. If I quit today, I’d have to get rid of my stash. Just too many reasons not to quit. Not my inability. Just too inconvenient for me. If people don’t realize that then who needs them? They don’t love me anyway. They are jealous that I have life under control. They are jealous that I found the secret. I’ve mastered the art of living with problems.

Ahhh the thoughts of an addict!

I’ve been off of drugs for ten months now. I honestly believe if I had used for another day, I would be dead. I think most people who knew me then would agree. I was in bad shape. I started going to church, and in May I got saved and quit drinking. When I got saved, I realized something. “ That emptiness. he lost feeling. That void that just needs to be filled. That’s all it will take, Just fill this void, and everything will be OK. Right? How do I fill this void? What do I do to hide from the emptiness? How do I find myself?” I found the answer. Christ. One word.

It’s amazing that it took me 23 years of self torture and mutilation to realize that that emptiness can’t be filled with ounces. That lost feeling can’t be filled with grams. My problems can’t be solved with a razor blade and a straw. My salvation isn’t measured by blood alcohol level. There is only one answer, only one word, only one person, only one. Christ.

I’m fortunate to find this out at the ripe age of 23. I still have a life to live, and believe me when I say, I am going to live this life. Not for me but for Him. Through Christ anything is possible.

23 years. **sigh** I contemplate this a lot. What I have to show for my life. What I have learned in my life span? Nothing extraordinary (I don’t think) I am nothing but a worker for Christ and I am 100% happy with that. There is nothing more important I could have learned. A 23 year lesson.

23 years. ** sigh of relief** Thank God it only took me 23 years