Five years ago, my sister died in a crazy freak car accident.  Five years ago, my best friend overdosed at my house, on my couch.  Five years ago, I had just gotten out of Fulton County Jail, or Rice Street, not the nicest place in the world.  Three years ago my mother died.  This whole time I was fighting off addictions, jobs, bills, evictions, and everything in between.

Tonight, I stood in the kitchen of my apartment. (And andrea’s but for the impact of this blog, I’m calling it mine.)  We had her mother over for dinner.  It hit me.  God has rocked my world.  When I was in Rice Street, I toyed with the idea of becoming a Christian, but once I was free I was quick to stop asking God to move my heart.  I think it was too late.  The seed had been planted.

I have an apartment in my name.  I have a job that isn’t half bad. (Most of the time.)  I have a job that isn’t pouring drinks for alcoholics while their lives crumble around them. I have a beautiful, strong willed, huge hearted fiance, I DO NOT have a drug habit.  I have credit that is close to repaired, and creditors haven’t called me in quite some time.  I have a great life.  I don’t think I have ever said that with 100% conviction.

Can I just say:

God.  I LOVE YOU! You took me and shook me up.  You watched while I nearly destroyed my life, and when I was on my last string, (Or past my last string 4 times) You picked me up just enough for me to learn how to fly on my own.  God.  You have used every resource possible to teach me, and build me up.  You watched, I can only imagine in pain and sorrow, as I used every resouce I had to forget, and tear myself down.  You watched my heart stop, on 4 different occasions, and gave me another chance time and time again.  God.  You rock.  You more than rock.  You ARE my Rock!  WIthout You, I am only a screw up, with You, well. I’m still a screw up, but there is something more.  Something that keeps me going.  Something inside of me, that makes me stop a second sooner than I used to.  That 1 second is the difference.

Jesus God.  Wow.  I am awe struck by You.  I don’t know how to say it… or if it means much but, Thank You for loving me.  Thank You for teaching me, in all of my imperfections.  Thank You for being steadfast.  I LOVE YOU GOD!

AMEN

I have learned A LOT since being engaged.  A lot of things to do, and more things NOT TO DO.  It’s difficult.  But, I think I am doing a great job, and Andrea is behaving wonderfully!  Especially for a stressed out bride-to-be.

Rule #5.

It looks really good if at any given moment you know how many days until your wedding.  It helps if you choose a day like.. say… November 1st, but nonetheless, people get very impressed.  That wasn’t my intention, I know because I am a countdown type of person, and I do countdowns to things I am pumped about.  I am merely saying.  It looks good to people.

To clear some things up… here is a counter.  No math needed in 2008.

X that.  Apparently Counters don’t work in WordPress… or I’m a fool. lol

(more…)

The past few days have been very difficult.  To see my fiance hurt like she is hurting, kills me.  I don’t like it.  But, the last few days have been eye opening for me.  For the first time in my life, I have faith in my ability to be strong.  I have been able to stand by her side, and tell her honestly, everything will be ok.  I have been able to make her smile when she needed to smile, and through even my hurt, I have been able to protect her,  and see her through this.

I’m not bragging on myself. What I am saying is, I have NEVER felt God was moving in me so much.  See, I laid a prayer down for God before I proposed.  I asked him to carry me.  I told him I was letting my guard down.  It’s not that I didn’t trust him before, but there were spaces that were mine.  I didn’t want him involved.  I liked that when I was sad, I could pray, and when I was about to eat he’d bless my food.  I didn’t want him fiddling in my business though.  I didn’t want him hearing my deepest fears, or “not-so-holy thoughts”.

I didn’t feel complete.

Before I got engaged, I said, “God, I have never been a stellar family guy, probably because I have never been in a stellar family, or home situation.  I don’t know how to stand by someone. (I’ve never had to.) The only thing I know how to do is run.  Lord.  Teach me how to not run.  Teach me how to be supportive, teach me how to be a Man.”

It was one of the first times I remember not even thinking something like, “God, I did this, so you really need to do this” or, “If I do this, will you do this?”.  And he delivered!  He made me a man.  He made me someone who can be supportive, and understanding.  He made me everything I was missing in my house growing up.  He made me Love.

It’s crazy.  Over the last few months I have formed healthy, male relationships. (some online, and some off) and I feel like I have a support system, people I can talk to, People to hold me accountable.  Most importantly, people who will tell me the truth. (whether I like it or not.)

I love to say that all of this change is because of my deep love for Andrea.  Which is true.  It sparked the fear that sparked the prayer that asked for the change, but the reality of it is, God made the change, I just had to be willing.  I just had to reach up, and ask.  He loves us so much.  Do you grasp that?  I know I don’t.

What have you been unwilling to pray for, but when you did it was the best thing that has ever happened to you?

Well, I will say that this weekend has been really weird.  For anyone who has been keeping up, I think it is official that the pains I was/am having are indeed Gall Stones.  My wonderful fiance did do A LOT of research, and find a way to break them down and pass them without surgery.  Which I am very grateful for!

The solution she found appears to be working, and we think with one more phase, I should be good as gold!

On another note, Toby and I have been doing some behind the scenes creative brainstorming, and I am very excited to say that I think we have come up with some really awesome things.  I hope to have him do some writing on this page for me at some point in time.

More to come this week!  I am constantly learning more about myself and Jesus Christ and I can’t wait to share about all of it.

IF you need some reading to do, Don’t forget to check out my Fiance and Toby!