I feel like I have been seeing God a lot more lately.  I don’t know if I was doing something wrong before, or if I was just too blind to see him, but lately, it’s been “in-your-face-here-I-am amazing.”

I was talking to a guy named Larry at church a few weeks ago about the song “Amazing Grace”.  I can’t seem to not cry when I hear it.  I tend to be a person who hates songs that are played out, and if any song is played out, I think it’s “Amazing Grace” but, I have to say, that song penetrates the depths of my heart, and stabs me.  The words, the feeling, the meaning.  I mean.  Wow.  Right?  

I have been lost, and now I am found.  It’s a wonderful feeling.  At the same time, it’s scary.  It’s an intimidating feeling.  To know there is a God that will love you no matter what.  It’s like… I don’t know words to describe it, but it is slightly intimidating.

I do know that in a month and a half, I am going to be a husband, and finally I have an example of love.  I finally have a portrait of what true love should be, and what I need to strive to achieve.  That is soothing to my soul.  It takes away some of the anxiety.  Because one thing I am good at is screwing up, and with a perfect, loving God, I know I can do anything through him.  

I have taken on new passions, with God.  I have decided that I can do something good.  I decided that there is change needed in this world, and God has opened the door for me to persue that.  With the internet, with my words, and with my love.  I have a role model I can look up to.  I was blind, but now I see.  

Wow. Just look at these kids.  Four children have been sponsored!  Four children that are equal in the eyes of God, finally get a chance! Because of the internet, and possibly because I decided to put them on my Blog!  It’s a pretty insane feeling.

 To me, it makes all the politics minute, it makes my problems seem silly.  Just to look at these pictures, and think of the smile on their faces when they heard they were finally sponsored.  When they heard they might eat a meal a day.  When they heard, someone somewhere out in this crazy world, Loves them.  

The things we have done, not for love, but because of love.  The feeling God has placed in my heart, is overwhelming, and causes me to ramble.  Causes me to look in the mirror, and smile.  When I wake up in the morning, I want to rejoice.  I am still here.  Heck. I am more here than ever before.  A beautiful world, a beautiful life, and a beautiful God!

Jesus, thank You for the blood You shed for us.  Thank You for putting love into my life.  Thank You for the sweet sweet sound of amazing grace.  Lord, help us all to see Your light, truth and way.  With out You Lord, I am just a lost, blind man.  With you, I am found, and can see clear as day.  Help us all die each day to be renewed in You, Your grace, and Your Love.  Lord, I love You and I pray that You make Your Kingdom on Earth as it is in Heaven.  Jesus, I love You.  I need You.  

Amen.

So, I get to work this morning, and all hell has broken loose.  Seriously.  I’m thinking, ah,  this will take a few hours to work, as I timidly dial Microsoft up. (It’s free support when their updates crash you)  I knew it was going to be a task to get anything done, I had NO CLUE what I was getting into.

As 4:00 rolled around, I had to go.  I do have other stuff going on you know.  It’s insane.  At least 5.5 hours on the phone.  Arguing, losing my temper, cursing, everything I really try not to do.  I did.

When I got home again, I hopped back on our server, and fixed everything Microsoft did wrong to fix the initial problem.  Something about that doesn’t seem right, but, hey, it’s Microsoft, if I complain too much, there might be a sniper after me.  But I digress.  Long story short, everything is at least temporarily fixed.

After I finished all of this, I was thinking.  Why do I still have the urge to do all of these things?  Curse, Yell, argue?  I do honestly try to live everyday for God.  I guess what it comes down to is the dying daily thing.  I guess that is something I struggle with.  Dying daily, to me, sounds a lot like being humble.  Not exactly my strong suit.  Admitting I am weak?  That’s not my bag, baby!  I guess, there is nothing appealing about it at all.

I have to remind myself that I don’t get saved, and that’s it.  It takes work, like anything beautiful.  Why is it so easy to say, but so hard to live out in the moment?  When the real tests come, I fail.  Well, at least 50/50, but I’d wager more.  Why is it so hard to die?  Weird question?

What are your thoughts?  What do you have a hard time with?  Any advice?  I’m all ears.