There’s a lot going on in my head.  Sometimes I’m not able to spit it all out, and sometimes, I’m not even aware it’s happening.  It’s like a world all in itself that I can’t even begin to understand or explain.  Sometimes, the only reason I’m aware things are happening in there, is because my outward actions change drastically, or I notice something that seems a little off from my OCD ways.

I would like to sit and make excuses for my temper. I would like to sit and come up with reasons that I snap at my wife for absolutely no reason.  I would like to sit and make excuses for becoming so obsessed with a social media outlet that I get up in arms about it.  I would like to say, “Daddy wasn’t there.” or “Mommy never hugged me.” but let’s be real for a minute.  While that may be true, what kind of person would I be to let those things dictate my actions or who I am today?

I don’t know exactly what it is, but I don’t like it.  Not one stinking bit.  I don’t like the look on my wife’s face when I say things that hurt her.  I don’t like the look on Gemma’s face when she sees me yelling at mommy.  I don’t like the feeling I get when I’m doing it, and I certainly don’t like the realization that I was wrong.   I don’t like sitting 3 feet from my wife, knowing that something is wrong, and not engaging her.  I don’t like that when I do engage her, I am short, and I feel she’s scared to say what she thinks.   I don’t like the way I react to situations at work.  I don’t like the fact that I react.  Period.

Fact is, there’s something inside of me that is rooting this.  I don’t know what it is.  I do know that, to this day, I’ve been ignoring it, and saying, “It’s hereditary.” . “I can’t change that, you married me knowing this!”, “I don’t have anger issues, everyone argues!”   I can’t do that anymore.  For the sake of my daughter, marriage, and sanity, I cannot do that anymore.

This change doesn’t happen overnight.  How could it, it’s built inside of me for 27 years.  It certainly shouldn’t take 27 years, but I do know what it will take.  Raw honesty with my wife.  Yearning for a closer relationship with Jesus Christ, and really getting to the nitty gritty of my soul.  Taking my actions, thoughts, and temptations and breaking them down

before my wife, myself and Jesus.  Getting alone with Jesus, and letting him break me down.  Getting real with myself, and stop hiding behind the skeletons of my past.  Releasing the anger, resentment and pain I feel everyday towards people who have done me wrong.  Re-baptizing myself in the Holy Spirit, and dying to my flesh daily.

This means I will minimize the noise in my life.  I may go days, weeks, or months without ‘tweeting’ or updating facebook.  It may mean I write my thoughts on paper, and transfer them over to the e-format later.  I don’t know what it means.  This isn’t a ‘quitting social media post’, because that’s not what I’m doing.  I’m re-focusing on the important things.

I do know that my number 1 priority is getting past this, and coming through the other side with my relationship with my wife better than it ever has been.  She’s stood by me when I couldn’t stand by myself, and she deserves a man 100 times better than me.  I strive to be that man.  With my relationship with Christ so strong that no temptation will be able to rock me, no situation will cause me to fall back and nothing can shake my soul.

I’d appreciate your prayers.

I haven’t written a lot lately.

I read Ragamuffin Gospel and it jacked me up.  God has entered my life full time, and it’s really jacking me up.

I am struggling through a lot of things, that I am trying really hard to deal with.  I’ve become my mother in a lot of ways, and it bothers me.

I try so hard to not let my anger show, or worse, say things I will regret, but I do.

I’m praying God will move me through these times.  I’m praying God will soften my heart, and help me be the man I want to be.

Thank you to who ever still stops by.  I will start writing again soon.  Once I work all this stuff out, there will be some real, authentic, and probably uncomfortable writing going on here.

Thanks for your prayers.

I find it hard to believe my life is what it is today.  I’ve gone into details in some of my stories, so I am sure you can understand my doubt.  Here’s where my awe stands.

I have been healed.  No, I wasn’t blind and I could always walk, (Most of the time without falling up stairs or something.)  No, I wasn’t a mute or a leper.  I was an addict.  I can say with (almost) 100% certainty that you could take away everything I love in my life, and lay any drug in front of me, and I will not touch it.  I don’t crave it.  I don’t miss it, I don’t need it. 

I used to be a very angry person.  You can ask any brick wall, car door, sheet rock, or some people.  They will tell you, I was quick to throw a punch.  I’ve actually been told that if I punch with my left hand again it will most like shatter. (Due to some incorrect healing from several broken hands I never took care of.)  OK. Hear me on this.  I still get angry, and sometimes it’s overwhelming.  But it’s been quite some time since I’ve punched a hole in something, smashed my head against a car, wall or refidgerator.  I have prayed through all of these things, and I feel like a new person.  I feel completely different. 

I’m not writing this to brag.  Truth is.  When I seperate myself from God, which I think we all do from time to time, I am nothing.  I am a weak sorry excuse for a human being.  With God, I’m a new person.  A person who is filled with love, remorse, and who isn’t afraid to say “I’m sorry.” (most of the time.) 

I am sure Andrea can tell you some stories, and I am sure she will agree that I am a different person from even a year ago.  I am sure Andrea will tell you, if I didn’t pray through my struggles, and God hadn’t intervened, she probably would not be my wife today.  Andrea has seen me at my lowest, and prayed with me through it.  Listened to me cry out to God, and has seen the change. 

I write this rambling of what I think is a coherant thought to say one thing.

GOD IS GREAT!

So, I get to work this morning, and all hell has broken loose.  Seriously.  I’m thinking, ah,  this will take a few hours to work, as I timidly dial Microsoft up. (It’s free support when their updates crash you)  I knew it was going to be a task to get anything done, I had NO CLUE what I was getting into.

As 4:00 rolled around, I had to go.  I do have other stuff going on you know.  It’s insane.  At least 5.5 hours on the phone.  Arguing, losing my temper, cursing, everything I really try not to do.  I did.

When I got home again, I hopped back on our server, and fixed everything Microsoft did wrong to fix the initial problem.  Something about that doesn’t seem right, but, hey, it’s Microsoft, if I complain too much, there might be a sniper after me.  But I digress.  Long story short, everything is at least temporarily fixed.

After I finished all of this, I was thinking.  Why do I still have the urge to do all of these things?  Curse, Yell, argue?  I do honestly try to live everyday for God.  I guess what it comes down to is the dying daily thing.  I guess that is something I struggle with.  Dying daily, to me, sounds a lot like being humble.  Not exactly my strong suit.  Admitting I am weak?  That’s not my bag, baby!  I guess, there is nothing appealing about it at all.

I have to remind myself that I don’t get saved, and that’s it.  It takes work, like anything beautiful.  Why is it so easy to say, but so hard to live out in the moment?  When the real tests come, I fail.  Well, at least 50/50, but I’d wager more.  Why is it so hard to die?  Weird question?

What are your thoughts?  What do you have a hard time with?  Any advice?  I’m all ears.