It was her birthday, so I had worked with some of her friends to all get together and go out.  So, we did.  We all went to Atlanta.  We went to several different bars, and chilled.  At the end of the night, we went to Krispy Kreme, and had a donut picnic in the middle of the night.

I think at this point it is safe to say we were dating.  From this point things went fairly well.  With the occasional argument, we were super happy.  She pushed me to do better, and I accepted the challenge.  I got a job in a warehouse/assembly room and quickly got promoted to IT.  Andrea got hired at a highschool teaching ESOL.  We began to (together) discover our talents, dreams, and passions.

We talked late into the night about what we wanted to do.  We dreamed.  Never realizing that one day, our dreams may become an reality.  Things were going great…..

The question that was always in the back of my mind was, what am I going to do to screw this up?

To be continued……..

One night I’m laying in bed, and I felt something overcome me.   Out of no where, I started to feel weak, broken, worthless.  I was Asking Andrea about her God, and she talked to me about Him.  Not the, “Accept or Perish” I was so used to hearing, but the relational side of Christ.

I broke down.  I said something to the affect that God could never love me, I’m worthless.  I’ve done things that can never been forgiven.  I’ve seen things that should never be seen. I was pretty much convinced I was going to hell.

Andrea quickly replied by telling me about the disciples, and what they had done before they met Christ.  I was in awe.  I couldn’t believe it!

The next day she invited me to her Wednesday night service.  I believe this was Ash Wednesday. Chris Seay was the guest speaker.  It was amazing.  It was actually really awesome.  It hit my heart pretty hard.  Of course, Sunday I was invited to Easter service and I went.  I was nervous about meeting Andrea’s family.  We went out to lunch afterwards and her family was really nice.  I felt at home.

about a week later, I accepted Christ in to my heart.

Andrea and I were still just ‘friends’, but I could feel we were growing closer.  We spent more time together, and I was starting to learn her heart, know her thoughts.  I was starting to love her with all of my heart.

I don’t know if she will admit it today, but I think she was falling for me too.

To be continued…..

Andrea had to work.  I hung out at her apartment all day, waiting for her to get off.  I started drinking early.  really early.  So, by the time it was time to go out, I was well on my way to being drunk. 

A huge group of us started on our way to the local hangout.  We were having a blast, but Andrea and I couldn’t show our affection towards one another, because no one knew.  Her friend who was interested in me sat next to me, and we all were having a good time.  There was a radio station there giving out prizes.  One of the prizes was tickets to the Jamie Cullum concert.  Andrea looked at me and said, “I want those tickets.” 

The question was, “What does Budweiser stand for?”  I immediately darted to the front.  Years prior, an old man named Billy sat me down and explained the history of Budweiser to me, so I knew that, in fear of copyright infringement, Anheiser Busch had decided that Budweiser stood for, “Because U Deserve What Every Individual Should Enjoy Regularly”.  I run to the front and answer the question.  Boom!  Tickets to Jamie Cullum!  I was so happy, and again, I couldn’t celebrate with a hug or a kiss.  As a matter of fact, I think the question was in the air of who I was taking.  To me… it wasn’t a question.

As the night went on, another one of Andrea’s “Friends” showed up.  I was not thrilled.  Not sure why, nor do I remember the circumstances, but I look over at one point and Andrea was kissing this tiny man.  I couldn’t take it.  I got really upset.  I went outside.  I few people followed me, and that’s when I let the cat out of the bag, that I had feelings for her.  That didn’t make the night go any smoother, which, was fine by me, because at that point, I blacked out.

I’m not exactly sure what happened from that moment forward, but I do know we all headed back to Andrea’s apartment.  Apparently Andrea and I were arguing and I said I had to go outside to have a cigarette.  (She was on the second floor, so I stepped out on her balcony.)  Again, I don’t remember, but apparently, I leaped over the balcony, and on to the ground.  But, I didn’t land on my feet. 

I’m not sure how or why I did that, but I did.  I ended up in the ER.  This is where I start coming out of my blackout.  Andrea was there.  And the girl who was interested in me was there as well.  But, Andrea was back in the room with me.  They had to run X-rays on me and all sorts of stuff.  I was really drunk, so was acting silly.  I do remember looking Andrea in the eyes and saying, “I love you.”  She didn’t reply.  I don’t think she thought I meant it.  Turns out I wasn’t severely injured, and the Doctors said that if I hadn’t been drunk, I would have really injured myself.  I remember thinking, “If I hadn’t been drunk, I wouldn’t have jumped off a balcony.”  There were some other events that happened in the ER that I am not going to talk about today, because it’s a little above PG.  But, trust me, it was probably one of the most awkward moments in my life. 

That’s the night I think Andrea realized I had a drinking problem.  (Not that I did anything about it for quite some time) 

So, now the cat is out of the bag.  Everyone knows I like Andrea.   And, from what I can tell, everyone was telling Andrea that I am NOT the kind of guy she wants to be with.  I’m a recovering drug addict, alcoholic, mentally unstable.  They were right too. 

There’s still a lot more to this story.  I hope you keep reading.

It’s hard for me to admit that I hold them.  It’s hard for me to confess the plank in my eye.  It’s hard for me to say things like, “you’re right.” or “I’m sorry.” 

I struggle with it daily.  But, I am making the effort to say those things.  I am making an effort to apologize for things I’ve done wrong.  I am working on improving my temper, and in turn my relationships one at a time.

I do not want to sit here and make ‘goals for 2010′.  That’s not my bag.  I do want to say though, that life is a continuous effort, and my effort is going to be focusing on love.  Focusing on sharing that love with anyone I come in contact with.  My effort is to be the husband, father, friend, stranger that people look at and strive to be like.  My effort is to be Love. 

Happy new years folks.  Don’t make resolutions.  Don’t make goals.  Be the change you want to see in others.

My whole life I’ve had issues.  Like, serious issues.  I had a sack full of things that I had drank myself past.  Things I had never dealt with.  Things that, when they happened, I simply made jokes about them, and buried them in the back of my naive little mind. 

a little over two years ago Andrea decided we needed a ‘break’.  I had started drinking again.  I was turning in to a jackass, and Andrea knew where that was taking me.  When she broke up with me, I continued drinking.  One thing she kept telling me was I had issues I needed to work on.  I didn’t want to focus on that.  I wanted to focus on why she didn’t love me, blah blah blah.  I was a broken, broken man.

When I stopped drinking, still single, I decided I needed to go on a journey.  Not a physical journey, but an emotional one.  I started praying heavily for God to lift my weight.  I started praying for God to work me through my pain.  For God to lift:

• The death of my sister (and the last things I said to her.)
• The death of my mom (and the last things I said to her.)
• The death of my best friend (and the fact that I didn’t feel I was a good friend)
• The death of numorous other friends
• The pain of a molestation
• The pain of an abusive childhood
• The pain of being addicted
• The pain of not forgiving myself

This stuff was really weighing me down.  Somedays it physically hurt to get out of bed.  Every night, I would lay in bed, crying, praying, hurting, alone.  On top of this, fighting the urge to not go get a beer.  For weeks I did this.  (On top of the years I had been hurting)

One night, I had a dream.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I don’t know where I was but, my mom, my sister, and Matthew were all there.  Each of them took about 1 minute to talk to me.  They each spoke directly to my pain.

“Let it go man, you were a great friend.  You were there for me when no one else was, I love you man.  It’s not your fault. You need to forgive yourself Andy. You’re a great person, a great friend.”

“I know you love me.  I’ve known that since the day you were born.  We had a rough history, but I’m your mother.  I love you. I love you. I miss you.”

“Hey, We’re siblings, we fight.  Who would have known that I was going to die that day.  I love you. It’s not your fault.”

Either I didn’t have any time to ask them questions or I couldn’t think of any. It ended just as fast as it began. 

I woke up.  I woke up happy.  I woke up lighter.

That was the day I realized I could love again.  That was the day I started to grasp a love I was never able to grasp.  That was the day Jesus revealed himself to me.  That was the day I knew, no matter what happens in this world, I can see myself past it. 

That was the day I forgave myself. That was the day I learned to love myself.

That was the day I believe Jesus came down, and personally lifted all of that weight off of my shoulders so I could live my life and love to the fullest.

Personal and Family Information:
Zurisaday lives with her father and her mother. Her duties at home include running errands and cleaning. There are 3 children in the family. Her father is employed as a church worker and her mother maintains the home.

Zurisaday is not attending school because she is too young. Singing, playing house and playing with dolls are her favorite activities. She also attends Bible class regularly.

Because of your sponsorship, Zurisaday will have new opportunities to learn and grow physically, mentally, and spiritually. Thank you for your concern and prayers.

I was recently talking to a friend/the guy I was kinda named after/my mom’s friend from high school in Kuwait.  We were talking about how she was, and her addictions.

It was a really great conversation.  It helped me remember my “real mom”.  I got the opportunity to weed through my memories, and recall what she was like sober.  And you know what….. she was a good mom.  It’s hard to think that drugs of some sort controlled her for a good part of her life.  It is nice to look back at the memories of her, and remember the times she was clean, and the unmistakable love she had for all of her children.

My mom died this day 4 years ago.  The last words I said to my mother weren’t nice.  As a matter of fact, they were probably some of the most hurtful words I’ve ever said.  But, I can live knowing that she did know I love her and know that she loves me.  The hurt is still with me, but a rejoice to know that she isn’t in pain.  She isn’t suffering from addiction anymore, and that she is again, my real mom.  I know she loves me, and that feels good.

Mom, I love you.

Because of the swine flu, they’re closing schools, landing planes saying not to ride the subway. (OK, that was Biden, but still)  The nation is in a panic.  Understandably so.  There is something wrong. The nation wants a plan.  We want to know what we can do to avoid it.  Is there something we can drink, a class we can take that will tell us what not to do?  How can we NOT get this HIGHLY contagious virus. (.03%)

In America, the divorce rate is 50%.  50%.  That means that either you or me are going to get a divorce.  That means, that by the end of my life, 1/2 of my friends are going to be married, and divorced.  That means 50% of my friends kids are going to have to go through that.  That means that every other car you see on your way to work today, is either divorced or will be divorced.  That means that there is something seriously wrong.

Why aren’t we reacting to the divorce rate like we are the swine flu?  Why?  The numbers are higher.  You are about 1000 times more likely to get divorced than you are to get the swine flu.  Why aren’t we asking the tough questions? How can we avoid this?  What can I do to make my marriage safe? Is there a class we can take?  Can I drink something (Or NOT drink something) to avoid this?  How do I make sure I’m not stuck in the ‘stay together for the kids’ pandemic?

Where is the urgency for the important things?  When will we start to panic about the state of our relationships like we panic about the [media created] pandemics?  I urge you to pray about this today.  To pray about your friends and family.  I urge you to take the steps necessary to save and protect your marriage.

*My math isn’t 100% accurate, but the numbers I pulled are from the interwebs, so there some truth to them.

What I am good at is being hard headed, and not liking to lose.  When I am faced with losing, my brain stretches to unimaginable measures.  Tonight, that happened, and I was able to help a fellow blogger out with his site.

Most of you probably don’t know him, he’s just a small time blogger named Carlos Whitaker.

So, his comments were down for a while.  3 or 4 hours I think.  I helped, I solved the problem.  Once I solved the problem, I commented on his blog, and… the rest is in screenshot history.

If you can’t read that, I say, “Who’s your daddy?” and Los himself says, “Andy is.”

I’m not one to brag, but, I have fathered a man who is older than me, and far superior, (at least to technorati)

That’s pretty flippin sweet.  If this is your first time here, click around, leave comments, read away. There is some good stuff here somewhere.  If you find it, let me know!

I want to say, I love the blog community.  There are HUGE things happening in my life right now. (Mainly, I’m getting married in 3 days! but also, Andrea and I have joined a team of AMAZING bloggers over at http://www.caffeinatedfaith.com and we are doing huge things there.  More to come soon, including ways to help out charities of YOUR CHOICE.  (you’ll get something in return.)

This is truely a body of Christ, and that is what I strive to be.  The internet can be viewed as breeding grounds for a lot of negative things, and it makes my heart pump to be part of something that isn’t negative, and is actually a positive influence on peoples lives.

Can I get an AMEN?  How do you use the internet to form community?

“The Lord does not look at the things human beings look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the Heart.”

Here we are back at the heart. Probably the first thing people forget about. It’s sad really, now with our culture, or “pop-culture” people are more concerned about their image.

Everyone wants to make an image for themselves. Some people want to be the emo, some the goth, some the football star, the debater, the theif or even the person who didn’t care what anyone thought of them (but really cared more). I was the same way. I wanted to be the grunge kid. I couldn’t just take on the look, I had to take the attitude, and the actions with it. I don’t miss those days. I wish I could accurately relay the feelings I had, the cutting, the crying at night, but then going to school, and making everyone laugh. It was tough. Life was tough. Why do kids do it to themselves?

You do not have to have an image. You do not have to wear name brands, or shirts that imply you drink or smoke pot to be cool! You do not have to drink or smoke pot to be cool! In fact, if you drink or smoke pot, you aren’t cool. You are just beginning your path of non-success and low self-esteem. Trust me. I’ve been there.

I thought I was cool when I could out drink everyone at the party when I was 15. I thought I was cool because I moved to Atlanta and knew all of the bar owners, and I even thought I was cool because I had done more drugs than anyone I have ever met. Guess what. I wasn’t. I took a step back. I heard what people were saying about me. Turns out, I was just one of those people at the bar, that I hated when my dad would take me there as a child.

So why are we so focused on what we look like or how people portray us? And, why is it that we almost always want people to portray us the wrong way. “I want people to think I’m a junkie-alcoholic that doesn’t care about anything.” I mean, that’s what I was practically saying in high school.

What are you saying? The way you dress? The things you say? The drugs you do? The parties you go to? The people you make fun of? What are you saying about yourself? Does it make you proud? Are you happy to be the stoner, gossiper, loose girl, or untamable guy? Is that the influence you want to set for younger children who may see you? Is that what you wanted to be when you were a child? Is that how you want to be remembered? Really? Where is your self-respect?

Look in the mirror, and stare at yourself in the eyes. Can you do it? I know I never could. If you can’t, evaluate yourself. Why can’t you stand to stare yourself in the eyes. What are you ashamed of, and what can you do to fix it?

Maybe this is a little too harsh but I don’t care. You are already an image. Some people may have respected you at some point, some people may still. Don’t let them down. Don’t let yourself down. Take a step back, stop caring about your false-image and be real. Be honest. Be what makes you proud. Be yourself.