I’ve been really focused on me.  The heavy stuff on my heart.  Can I just say that being a husband and father is the most amazing thing in the world!?

There’s a lot going on in my head.  Sometimes I’m not able to spit it all out, and sometimes, I’m not even aware it’s happening.  It’s like a world all in itself that I can’t even begin to understand or explain.  Sometimes, the only reason I’m aware things are happening in there, is because my outward actions change drastically, or I notice something that seems a little off from my OCD ways.

I would like to sit and make excuses for my temper. I would like to sit and come up with reasons that I snap at my wife for absolutely no reason.  I would like to sit and make excuses for becoming so obsessed with a social media outlet that I get up in arms about it.  I would like to say, “Daddy wasn’t there.” or “Mommy never hugged me.” but let’s be real for a minute.  While that may be true, what kind of person would I be to let those things dictate my actions or who I am today?

I don’t know exactly what it is, but I don’t like it.  Not one stinking bit.  I don’t like the look on my wife’s face when I say things that hurt her.  I don’t like the look on Gemma’s face when she sees me yelling at mommy.  I don’t like the feeling I get when I’m doing it, and I certainly don’t like the realization that I was wrong.   I don’t like sitting 3 feet from my wife, knowing that something is wrong, and not engaging her.  I don’t like that when I do engage her, I am short, and I feel she’s scared to say what she thinks.   I don’t like the way I react to situations at work.  I don’t like the fact that I react.  Period.

Fact is, there’s something inside of me that is rooting this.  I don’t know what it is.  I do know that, to this day, I’ve been ignoring it, and saying, “It’s hereditary.” . “I can’t change that, you married me knowing this!”, “I don’t have anger issues, everyone argues!”   I can’t do that anymore.  For the sake of my daughter, marriage, and sanity, I cannot do that anymore.

This change doesn’t happen overnight.  How could it, it’s built inside of me for 27 years.  It certainly shouldn’t take 27 years, but I do know what it will take.  Raw honesty with my wife.  Yearning for a closer relationship with Jesus Christ, and really getting to the nitty gritty of my soul.  Taking my actions, thoughts, and temptations and breaking them down

before my wife, myself and Jesus.  Getting alone with Jesus, and letting him break me down.  Getting real with myself, and stop hiding behind the skeletons of my past.  Releasing the anger, resentment and pain I feel everyday towards people who have done me wrong.  Re-baptizing myself in the Holy Spirit, and dying to my flesh daily.

This means I will minimize the noise in my life.  I may go days, weeks, or months without ‘tweeting’ or updating facebook.  It may mean I write my thoughts on paper, and transfer them over to the e-format later.  I don’t know what it means.  This isn’t a ‘quitting social media post’, because that’s not what I’m doing.  I’m re-focusing on the important things.

I do know that my number 1 priority is getting past this, and coming through the other side with my relationship with my wife better than it ever has been.  She’s stood by me when I couldn’t stand by myself, and she deserves a man 100 times better than me.  I strive to be that man.  With my relationship with Christ so strong that no temptation will be able to rock me, no situation will cause me to fall back and nothing can shake my soul.

I’d appreciate your prayers.

I built a fort.  Why, you may ask? You can find all of that here.  There is some pretty stiff competition, but I’m 100% positive no one can build a fort as intense, and advanced as I just did.  Check out the video, and comment on it, below!
*This entire video was shot, and edited on my iPhone 4*

When I was 18, I was going to get “No Regrets” tattood on my forearm.  Instead, I later got the ‘Pi’ symbol.  Talk about irony.

It’s probably a good thing I didn’t because there are times I’m overwhelmed with regret.  Sunday, I was laying on the floor, playing with Gemma.  I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know I looked at her, and then I realized that one day, I’m not going to be here.  I realized that, because of decisions I’ve made in the past, that day could come a lot sooner than it should.

That sucks.  Looking at your 6 month old daughter and realizing, “Well, I was too selfish in the past to think about this day, so, when you get a little bit older, I may not be around.”

Now, I know that we could all go at any second.  But, I’m sure there’s some statistic out there that can explain that life choices made, have some sort of adverse effect on your expected life span.

I’m not writing this as a ‘woe is me’ type post.  I’m still going to wake up everyday, and try to have the most positive influence I possible can on my family.  I’m still going to get up, die to myself, and live as best I can.  I’m simply writing this because it’s something that’s been on my heart lately.  I know, had I found this blog when I was 20 I probably would have laughed, but maybe if someone reads this it will stick with them.

5 days a week I leave the house at 6 or 6:30.  I get home around… 6 or 6:30.  Gemma goes to bed around 9:00 or 9:30.  That means, at best, during the week, I get 3 hours a day with my daughter.

I’m exhausted most of the time. (As I am perfectly aware that most new parents are)  at night, sometimes I have a choice, I could go to bed early, and feel rested the next day.  I don’t.  Not because I don’t want to.  I want to.

But.

I want to talk to my wife.  I want to see how she is. I want to give her adult time.  I want her to know that I still love her as much as I did the day I met her. (Actually more) I want to be a husband that cares, and shows it.

On the weekends, I could try to sleep in, and ask Mommy for this one morning to sleep.  I don’t.  Not because I don’t want to.  I want to.

But.

I want to see her wake up.  I want to see her smile.  I want to see what she’s learned.  I want to see her grow.  I want to lay on the ground next to her, and watch her figure out the little things.. her feet, her hands, the toy next to her.  I want to stare at her.. I want Mommy to have just a couple of hours to relax, or sleep.

So.. what am I saying.

Being a dad is hard.  Being a husband is hard.  There are things you want, and things you want more.  It’s a constant struggle, and my temper probably shows it.  I want to be the best, and I know I fall very short of that mark.  But, every morning when I wake up and I look to my left, and I see the two most beautiful girls in the world.. it gives me one more reason to get up, and bust my ass as hard as I can to reach that mark.  Even with the knowledge that I will fail.  It’s the best failure I could ever have asked for.

Thank you God for these girls in my life.