It sure has been a while since I’ve written. Heck for that matter, it had been a while since I had opened my twitter app.  Yesterday, I felt a sense of OK with opening it, so I opened it, and boom!  Within fifteen minutes I was really annoyed.  At what?  I don’t even know for sure, I just got annoyed. Something is not right with that.

That pretty much sums up the reason for time without this stuff.  It seemed like every time I got on, there was noise.  A blog fight about which sin is the best, someone talking about how awesome Obama is, or GASP how horrible he is.  Finger pointing, and no real collaboration to work together as any form of ‘community’ to talk about the real problems.  I even participated in some of this stuff, and it chilled my bones.  When did this thing become less about Him?

I took last week to focus on my wife, quitting smoking, and Him.  It wasn’t an intentional week.  It could have been shorter or longer. It still might be.  I may post every day.  I may post once every couple of days.  What’s important to me, is I post what I feel God is putting on my heart.  I want to focus on non judgement, and love.  Why this whole thing started.  I want to talk about forgiveness and salvation.  I want you guys to read with, and comment.

This wasn’t ‘time of from the internet’ or ‘time off from blogging’.  This was silence.  because I felt that, I heard it.  Silence.

For those who are wondering, I have quit smoking for over a week.  I’m doing ok, and I am pretty sure the worst part is over.  I have been praying alot about redemption, salvation, and everything that He has done for ALL of us.

1 O GIVE thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever! 2 Let the redemmed of the Lord say so, whom He has delivered from the hand of the adversary, 3 And gathered them out of the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the [Red] Sea in the south. 4 Some wandered in the wilderness in a solitary desert track; they found no city for habitation. 5 Hungry and thirsty, they fainted; their lives were near to being extinguished. 6 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses.

Man, isn’t he just awesome?

So, last Monday I made my quit date the 24th.  I’m not quite sure why.  Anyway, Today is the 23rd, and I’m quitting smoking.  Honestly, I will need all the prayers I can get.  From everything I’ve ever quit, smoking is by far the most difficult.

I’ll try to keep everyone up to date, even if I stumble.  But, as of right now, just a few prayers here and there, or whenever you have time would be great.

Thanks.

February 24th is my officlal quit date.  What is that you ask?  February 24th is the day I quit smoking.  I have started taking Chantix, and last time it worked like a charm. (for about 3 months)  This is something I’ve been talking about for a long time now, and now, more than ever there is reason to quit.

Why am I writing about it here?  Because, there is some sort of accountability here.  I fully expect anyone who reads this to kick me in my butt after the 24th, if they see me smoking a cigarette.  (You won’t, but I expect it)   Also, I would really appreciate prayers.  Lots of them.  In my life, I have quit using Meth and Cocaine, cold turkey.  I have quit drinking, without any supplement, (And only a few relapses.)  But above all of that, cigarettes is by far the hardest thing to quit.  So any prayers are more than welcome.

So.. there you have it, one week from today I will be smoke free.  Praise God.

The emptiness. The lost feeling. That void that just needs to be filled. That’s all it will take, Just fill this void, and everything will be OK. Right? How do I fill this void? What do I do to hide from the emptiness? How do I find myself?

These are the things that kept me hiding behind a bottle, or worse, for so many years. The temporary good feeling. The feeling that I’m not alone. If I get high, people can relate to me. If I get high, I can tolerate life. When I’m drunk, I’m a better person. These are all thoughts that I had, and I was serious about. People like me when I am drunk or speeding. I like me when I am drunk or speeding.

Slowly, my perspective changed. If I don’t get high, my life is miserable. I don’t drink that beer, my problems will find me. Sure, I drink a good amount, or, I do dope, but, no one can tell. I cover it up well. It makes me act like a normal person. It makes me want to live. I can kick this whenever I want. I just don’t feel up to it today. If I quit today, I’ll never be able to talk to all those people tonight. I quit today, I’ll sleep in and miss work. If I quit today, I’d have to get rid of my stash. Just too many reasons not to quit. Not my inability. Just too inconvenient for me. If people don’t realize that then who needs them? They don’t love me anyway. They are jealous that I have life under control. They are jealous that I found the secret. I’ve mastered the art of living with problems.

Ahhh the thoughts of an addict!

I’ve been off of drugs for ten months now. I honestly believe if I had used for another day, I would be dead. I think most people who knew me then would agree. I was in bad shape. I started going to church, and in May I got saved and quit drinking. When I got saved, I realized something. “ That emptiness. he lost feeling. That void that just needs to be filled. That’s all it will take, Just fill this void, and everything will be OK. Right? How do I fill this void? What do I do to hide from the emptiness? How do I find myself?” I found the answer. Christ. One word.

It’s amazing that it took me 23 years of self torture and mutilation to realize that that emptiness can’t be filled with ounces. That lost feeling can’t be filled with grams. My problems can’t be solved with a razor blade and a straw. My salvation isn’t measured by blood alcohol level. There is only one answer, only one word, only one person, only one. Christ.

I’m fortunate to find this out at the ripe age of 23. I still have a life to live, and believe me when I say, I am going to live this life. Not for me but for Him. Through Christ anything is possible.

23 years. **sigh** I contemplate this a lot. What I have to show for my life. What I have learned in my life span? Nothing extraordinary (I don’t think) I am nothing but a worker for Christ and I am 100% happy with that. There is nothing more important I could have learned. A 23 year lesson.

23 years. ** sigh of relief** Thank God it only took me 23 years

I tend to get obsessed easily. When I was 8, I was obsessed with baseball and baseball cards. I could tell you how many hits any individual player had, I could tell you who was on pace to beat records, I could tell you who was the best rookie, I could tell you who I thought was going to win the World Series. (To this day, I am pretty close even though I don’t follow baseball that much anymore.)

I obsess over whatever it is I’m obsessed about. Does that make sense? Lately, it’s been my blog. (And Andrea’s) I love the blogs. I love reading what Andrea has to write, and I love the community that we are all able to form on-line. Also. I am obsessed with numbers. Woopra, Google Analytics, and any other program that will tell me my numbers, I obsess over. It’s not even the numbers necessarily. It’s interesting to see how many hits I get from Antarctica or whatever. I love that crap. I guess it makes me feel kind of important. I dunno. I try to post daily. I think about stuff to write. I think about it a lot! I really do.

I am going to change that. I think, (Aside from Compassion Tuesday) I am going to blog when I feel like it. I want to spend more time in the Word. I want to spend more time with my Fiance without a computer in my lap. (And hers) I’m about to get married. I love writing about it. I love writing. More than ever, when I pray, I feel God whispering, “Write. Write. Write.” So that’s what I do. But I also hear God screaming, “Family, Fiance, Read, Study, LOVE.” I am going to write. Whenever I want. What I won’t do, is obsess over posting a blog every day, or push myself to write something.  I won’t check Google Analytics. I won’t check Woopra. They are great tools, but that stuff doesn’t necessarily matter.

What matters to me most is God and my family. The minute I feel like my family, and God aren’t the center of my life, is the minute I will put my laptop down, leave work, and spend time with them. So, in lieu of doing that. I am changing up my style, my obsession, and being normal. To me, It feels like I’m “Cutting back”. In reality, it’s probably more of a mental change than anything. I guess time will tell.

Anyway, there you have it. My confession. My efforts, and my change of style. Have you ever struggled with this? Do people tell you you spend too much time in the “Social Network World”?

I may have heard that a time or two.