I felt mad. Sad. Depressed. It affected my mood for the entire day.  I was short with my wife.  I was frustrated by my daughter’s screaming and crying. I was pissy.  All I could think about was finding it, or finding the man (or woman) who took my phone.  All the way to last night, I was in a horrible mood.  To be honest, if I had 1 second to myself yesterday, I would have cried.

Now here’s the thing.  IT’S A PHONE. Seriously.  IT’S A PHONE. Is it not insane that a phone can make me feel that way?  It’s probably a great thing that I lost that phone.  Not because the phone, in itself was bad, but because what the phone represented to me. (Which, I didn’t recognize until it was gone.)

I just finished reading “Radical” by David Platt.  At the end of the book, he challenges you to make some pretty dramatic changes.  One of them is how you spend your money. (Not JUST that, but it’s the core thought of the challenge)

To be honest, I was a little relieved that i was tied in to a 2 year contract, so while I was convicted to change something, it COULDN’T be my iPhone.  I was safe in my conformity.

Well, crap.  Looks like that was all made up in my mind…

So, I guess my timing is bad.  Reading that book, making that excuse and then this happening, has me thinking it’s a ‘sign’.   It has me thinking I need to amp up my faith.  It makes me think I’m not living right.  It makes me think my faith needs Caffeinated.

Unless “Love Wins” tells me it doesn’t really matter….

He’s been quoted in saying that he’s a rock star, that he’s living the life.  Quote, “The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like you know, droopy eyes armless children.”

It sound insane.  It sound absolutely nonsensical, and, to me… it sounds like things I’ve thought or said before.

I remember living at a bar.  Sleeping on the floor by dart boards, I remember telling people, “Man, it’s the dream. I wake up, I work, I drink, I party…”   I remember telling people, “I haven’t slept in days, I’ve never seen things so clear.”  ”No one understands what it’s like to be in my brain.  If you took my brain for 5 minutes, you’d lose it.”

Addiction is an absolutely insane disease.  It makes people say, do and think crazy things.   I watched Charlie Sheen last night for about 5 minutes and thought I was going to cry.  Seeing a man in such obvious suffering, and we are sitting around watching.  We’re not just watching!  We’re popping the popcorn, sitting back and watching the decline of a human being.  We’re sitting back, and, can I say, ‘getting off’ on the idea that he is crazy.  He’s not.  He’s broken.  He longs for love.  He longs for something every addict longs for.

Here is another quote Charlie Sheen said last night.  He was talking about the ‘other bad boys’ of Hollywood (Sean Penn, Mel Gibson and Collin Farrell) calling him and checking on him.

They didn’t give me any advice. …It was just love … Occasionally, you know, a giant marquee name comes through on your caller I.D. And it’s like, ‘winning.’

You see.  The one nice, normal thing he said last night was talking about the people reaching out and… just…. loving.  People who had been there.  People who know the feeling.  People who are showing compassion.

Now.  Choose your darkest moment.  Now.  Put it on national television, for everyone to see.  Are we all so different?  As far as I’m concerned, we’re all the same.  But the people showing compassion right now, are the other people we love to hate.  (Sean Penn, Mel Gibson and Collin Farrell)

What is wrong with this picture?  Where is the outpouring of love us ‘Christians’ are supposed to show?  Does that go away with the click of a remote?  Have we separated our God and our Entertainment?

When Gemma was born, mama bear (Andrea) and Gemma had a slight fever.  Nothing insane.  Since then, they’ve been running blood screens on Gemma.

Her CRP count has been exceedingly high.  A normal CRP count for a new born is 0.9.  Gemma’s on Thursday was 9.6 and on Friday had spiked to 11.6.  This means that Gemma’s body is fighting off an infection.  The doctors can’t seem to pinpoint where.   On Friday, a Neonatal specialist came in and said that he needed to make sure that Gemma’s infection was not in her brain, (Meningitis) by doing a lumbar puncture, which is a spinal tap but needed our approval to do so.  Ouch.  This parenthood thing is TOUGH!!  Andrea and I discussed it and decided that we really had no choice.  It’s hard to say, “OK… you can stick a needle in our baby’s back.”.

The results came back negative, PRAISE GOD! We thought that was great news.  We thought that meant that there wasn’t an infection.  Yesterday they told us there still was an infection and little baby Gemma had to stay at the hospital until they A) found the infection or B) she’s completed a full round of antibiotics, which could take 7-10 days.

Gemma is currently in level 2 of NICU.  Level 2, I think means pretty much she is NOT in critical condition.  Andrea and I are the only two allowed to visit her, and have to literally scrub in, and put on gowns to see her.  It’s so surreal.  This is not anything I ever imagined our first baby’s birth would be like!

We spoke with her pediatrician last night and we got more information than anyone at the hospital could give us.  Worst case scenario Gemma will be in the hospital until next Sunday if the antibiotics she is on now work.
If her blood work comes back improved today, like a CRP level of 9, and then even more improved tomorrow, there is a chance we will be able to take Gemma home and give her the love and care she needs, and get the rest of her antibiotics either by a nurse that comes to our home, or by taking her to out pediatrician.  That is what we are praying for today.  I would love it if you prayed with us!

We’re praying for wisdom for the doctors treating her.  We are praying that she is touched with God’s healing hand, and that her body is able to fight this infection (wherever it is, most likely in the blood).  We are praying for strength, courage and wisdom ourselves to understand what is happening.  We are both new to this parenthood thing, and we HATE seeing poor Gemma have to go through all of this.  If you could pray with us, that would be great!

For right now, we are in a hotel by the hospital, so we can feed Gemma and be close to her.   Andrea and I are working in shifts during the night, so we can each try to get a little bit more than 1.5 hours of sleep at a time.

I know that this could all be going way worse, but now I understand when parents talk about their child hurting.  It sucks bad.

I will continue to update this site with any news and I’m even trying to make a page for pictures.

I don’t think he will.  I found recently that I’ve lost patience for addicts.  I have the, “I did it, (quit) why can’t they?” mentality.  I get annoyed, and almost don’t even want to be there for people.  I believe that God gives me this thorn, to remind me.  To keep me on my toes.  Not to weaken me, but to make me stronger.

All of my friends are addicts, and I’d say most of them still use to this day.  When I see them, it breaks my heart.  But, my mind is saying, “Screw them, they’re idiots.  blah blah blah.”  That’s just how I am.  I think I disassociate, so when the inevitable happens, I won’t be too disappointed.  But, the truth is, I will.   I don’t want it to happen.

I don’t even know what to pray anymore for myself, or my friends.  I think I’ll always miss smoking, for reasons mentioned above.  I don’t know what to pray for my friends.  I pray they don’t die.  But I have a feeling some of them are going to have to (again) to get the point.

It’s depressing.  What do you pray when you don’t know what to pray?

The social networking frenzy is not just for the yahoos anymore.  No one can say that Twitter is pointless.  No one.  Supporters for defeated Iranian presidential Candidate are rallying, and using twitter to organize.  It’s actually pretty stinking huge.  Check this link to read some of the live tweets going on as we speak.

I can’t get over the fact that this is real life.  This isn’t some internet game.  People are dying.  Do some research, see what you can do to help.  But for the love of God.  Don’t just sit here and ignoring it.  There are some specific things you can do to help support the movement, scroll past the image to see a good checklist as how to help..  Stuff like this is happening every day, all over the world.  I think it’s about time it’s brought to the forefront of our attention.  It’s time we stop ignoring it because it’s not us.  Compassion guys… compassion. If nothing else, pray as much as you can for this country, these people’s families, the lives of everyone.  Pray. Pray. Pray.

(From http://www.i-policy.org/)
The purpose of this guide is to help you participate constructively in the Iranian election protests through twitter.

1. Do NOT publicise proxy IP’s over twitter, and especially not using the #iranelection hashtag. Security forces are monitoring this hashtag, and the moment they identify a proxy IP they will block it in Iran. If you are creating new proxies for the Iranian bloggers, DM them to @stopAhmadi or @iran09 and they will distributed them discretely to bloggers in Iran.

2. Hashtags, the only two legitimate hashtags being used by bloggers in Iran are #iranelection and #gr88, other hashtag ideas run the risk of diluting the conversation.

3. Keep you bull$hit filter up! Security forces are now setting up twitter accounts to spread disinformation by posing as Iranian protesters. Please don’t retweet impetuosly, try to confirm information with reliable sources before retweeting. The legitimate sources are not hard to find and follow.

4. Help cover the bloggers: change your twitter settings so that your location is TEHRAN and your time zone is GMT +3.30. Security forces are hunting for bloggers using location and timezone searches. If we all become ‘Iranians’ it becomes much harder to find them.

5. Don’t blow their cover! If you discover a genuine source, please don’t publicise their name or location on a website. These bloggers are in REAL danger. Spread the word discretely through your own networks but don’t signpost them to the security forces. People are dying there, for real, please keep that in mind.

6. Denial of Service attacks. If you don’t know what you are doing, stay out of this game. Only target those sites the legitimate Iranian bloggers are designating. Be aware that these attacks can have detrimental effects to the network the protesters are relying on. Keep monitoring their traffic to note when you should turn the taps on or off.

7. Do spread the (legitimate) word, it works! When the bloggers asked for twitter maintenance to be postponed using the #nomaintenance tag, it had the desired effect. As long as we spread good information, provide moral support to the protesters, and take our lead from the legitimate bloggers, we can make a constructive contribution.

Please remember that this is about the future of the Iranian people, while it might be exciting to get caught up in the flow of participating in a new meme, do not lose sight of what this is really about.

That pretty much sums up the reason for time without this stuff.  It seemed like every time I got on, there was noise.  A blog fight about which sin is the best, someone talking about how awesome Obama is, or GASP how horrible he is.  Finger pointing, and no real collaboration to work together as any form of ‘community’ to talk about the real problems.  I even participated in some of this stuff, and it chilled my bones.  When did this thing become less about Him?

I took last week to focus on my wife, quitting smoking, and Him.  It wasn’t an intentional week.  It could have been shorter or longer. It still might be.  I may post every day.  I may post once every couple of days.  What’s important to me, is I post what I feel God is putting on my heart.  I want to focus on non judgement, and love.  Why this whole thing started.  I want to talk about forgiveness and salvation.  I want you guys to read with, and comment.

This wasn’t ‘time of from the internet’ or ‘time off from blogging’.  This was silence.  because I felt that, I heard it.  Silence.

For those who are wondering, I have quit smoking for over a week.  I’m doing ok, and I am pretty sure the worst part is over.  I have been praying alot about redemption, salvation, and everything that He has done for ALL of us.

1 O GIVE thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever! 2 Let the redemmed of the Lord say so, whom He has delivered from the hand of the adversary, 3 And gathered them out of the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the [Red] Sea in the south. 4 Some wandered in the wilderness in a solitary desert track; they found no city for habitation. 5 Hungry and thirsty, they fainted; their lives were near to being extinguished. 6 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses.

Man, isn’t he just awesome?

I’ll try to keep everyone up to date, even if I stumble.  But, as of right now, just a few prayers here and there, or whenever you have time would be great.

Thanks.

Why am I writing about it here?  Because, there is some sort of accountability here.  I fully expect anyone who reads this to kick me in my butt after the 24th, if they see me smoking a cigarette.  (You won’t, but I expect it)   Also, I would really appreciate prayers.  Lots of them.  In my life, I have quit using Meth and Cocaine, cold turkey.  I have quit drinking, without any supplement, (And only a few relapses.)  But above all of that, cigarettes is by far the hardest thing to quit.  So any prayers are more than welcome.

So.. there you have it, one week from today I will be smoke free.  Praise God.

These are the things that kept me hiding behind a bottle, or worse, for so many years. The temporary good feeling. The feeling that I’m not alone. If I get high, people can relate to me. If I get high, I can tolerate life. When I’m drunk, I’m a better person. These are all thoughts that I had, and I was serious about. People like me when I am drunk or speeding. I like me when I am drunk or speeding.

Slowly, my perspective changed. If I don’t get high, my life is miserable. I don’t drink that beer, my problems will find me. Sure, I drink a good amount, or, I do dope, but, no one can tell. I cover it up well. It makes me act like a normal person. It makes me want to live. I can kick this whenever I want. I just don’t feel up to it today. If I quit today, I’ll never be able to talk to all those people tonight. I quit today, I’ll sleep in and miss work. If I quit today, I’d have to get rid of my stash. Just too many reasons not to quit. Not my inability. Just too inconvenient for me. If people don’t realize that then who needs them? They don’t love me anyway. They are jealous that I have life under control. They are jealous that I found the secret. I’ve mastered the art of living with problems.

Ahhh the thoughts of an addict!

I’ve been off of drugs for ten months now. I honestly believe if I had used for another day, I would be dead. I think most people who knew me then would agree. I was in bad shape. I started going to church, and in May I got saved and quit drinking. When I got saved, I realized something. “ That emptiness. he lost feeling. That void that just needs to be filled. That’s all it will take, Just fill this void, and everything will be OK. Right? How do I fill this void? What do I do to hide from the emptiness? How do I find myself?” I found the answer. Christ. One word.

It’s amazing that it took me 23 years of self torture and mutilation to realize that that emptiness can’t be filled with ounces. That lost feeling can’t be filled with grams. My problems can’t be solved with a razor blade and a straw. My salvation isn’t measured by blood alcohol level. There is only one answer, only one word, only one person, only one. Christ.

I’m fortunate to find this out at the ripe age of 23. I still have a life to live, and believe me when I say, I am going to live this life. Not for me but for Him. Through Christ anything is possible.

23 years. **sigh** I contemplate this a lot. What I have to show for my life. What I have learned in my life span? Nothing extraordinary (I don’t think) I am nothing but a worker for Christ and I am 100% happy with that. There is nothing more important I could have learned. A 23 year lesson.

23 years. ** sigh of relief** Thank God it only took me 23 years

I obsess over whatever it is I’m obsessed about. Does that make sense? Lately, it’s been my blog. (And Andrea’s) I love the blogs. I love reading what Andrea has to write, and I love the community that we are all able to form on-line. Also. I am obsessed with numbers. Woopra, Google Analytics, and any other program that will tell me my numbers, I obsess over. It’s not even the numbers necessarily. It’s interesting to see how many hits I get from Antarctica or whatever. I love that crap. I guess it makes me feel kind of important. I dunno. I try to post daily. I think about stuff to write. I think about it a lot! I really do.

I am going to change that. I think, (Aside from Compassion Tuesday) I am going to blog when I feel like it. I want to spend more time in the Word. I want to spend more time with my Fiance without a computer in my lap. (And hers) I’m about to get married. I love writing about it. I love writing. More than ever, when I pray, I feel God whispering, “Write. Write. Write.” So that’s what I do. But I also hear God screaming, “Family, Fiance, Read, Study, LOVE.” I am going to write. Whenever I want. What I won’t do, is obsess over posting a blog every day, or push myself to write something.  I won’t check Google Analytics. I won’t check Woopra. They are great tools, but that stuff doesn’t necessarily matter.

What matters to me most is God and my family. The minute I feel like my family, and God aren’t the center of my life, is the minute I will put my laptop down, leave work, and spend time with them. So, in lieu of doing that. I am changing up my style, my obsession, and being normal. To me, It feels like I’m “Cutting back”. In reality, it’s probably more of a mental change than anything. I guess time will tell.

Anyway, there you have it. My confession. My efforts, and my change of style. Have you ever struggled with this? Do people tell you you spend too much time in the “Social Network World”?

I may have heard that a time or two.