The past few days have been very difficult.  To see my fiance hurt like she is hurting, kills me.  I don’t like it.  But, the last few days have been eye opening for me.  For the first time in my life, I have faith in my ability to be strong.  I have been able to stand by her side, and tell her honestly, everything will be ok.  I have been able to make her smile when she needed to smile, and through even my hurt, I have been able to protect her,  and see her through this.

I’m not bragging on myself. What I am saying is, I have NEVER felt God was moving in me so much.  See, I laid a prayer down for God before I proposed.  I asked him to carry me.  I told him I was letting my guard down.  It’s not that I didn’t trust him before, but there were spaces that were mine.  I didn’t want him involved.  I liked that when I was sad, I could pray, and when I was about to eat he’d bless my food.  I didn’t want him fiddling in my business though.  I didn’t want him hearing my deepest fears, or “not-so-holy thoughts”.

I didn’t feel complete.

Before I got engaged, I said, “God, I have never been a stellar family guy, probably because I have never been in a stellar family, or home situation.  I don’t know how to stand by someone. (I’ve never had to.) The only thing I know how to do is run.  Lord.  Teach me how to not run.  Teach me how to be supportive, teach me how to be a Man.”

It was one of the first times I remember not even thinking something like, “God, I did this, so you really need to do this” or, “If I do this, will you do this?”.  And he delivered!  He made me a man.  He made me someone who can be supportive, and understanding.  He made me everything I was missing in my house growing up.  He made me Love.

It’s crazy.  Over the last few months I have formed healthy, male relationships. (some online, and some off) and I feel like I have a support system, people I can talk to, People to hold me accountable.  Most importantly, people who will tell me the truth. (whether I like it or not.)

I love to say that all of this change is because of my deep love for Andrea.  Which is true.  It sparked the fear that sparked the prayer that asked for the change, but the reality of it is, God made the change, I just had to be willing.  I just had to reach up, and ask.  He loves us so much.  Do you grasp that?  I know I don’t.

What have you been unwilling to pray for, but when you did it was the best thing that has ever happened to you?

The last three days have been mentally and physically exhausting.  Sunday night, Andrea’s grandfather went into cardiac arrest, by the time the paramedics arrived, and were able to revive him, he had been without oxygen to his brain for 10-12 minutes.

Monday, and Most of Tuesday were exhausting filled with friends, family, prayer and tears.  Around 5:20 we were all told that there was no brain activity, and there was nothing else they could do.  So again, friends and family gathered for one last goodbye.  As they pulled out the respirator, we all gathered in the room to sing Amazing Grace with Roland.  I can’t even try to type this, and my roommate, one of my mentors, and a close friend, George Lockhart has already written it so boldly.  I will just paste his encounter below.

What happened is that the last song the group was singing was Amazing Grace and during the song, they pulled the respirator and administered some morphine for any pain. Slowly the heart monitor beeped  and as Roland ebbed away, the beeps became slower and slower. But just before the final beep, as the group was singing the “praise God, praise God” segment of the song, with no brain activity for 2 days, Roland lifted his hand to join in praise of God. Moving his hand from where it lie, he raised his hand! With all the saints passed and present, he praised God. I can hear Roland say it once last time:”Amen”!

Now.  If you have never met Roland, you might not understand that.  Roland was more than just Andrea’s Grandfather.  He was my next door neighbor, my landlord, the man that shouted “Amen!” in church, and the man that stood at the door, and greeted every single person that walked threw those doors.

He was the man who told me to turn the music down, and the man who told me I needed to get the grass cut, and the man that told me, “Boy, you sure are ugly, but I’ll learn to love ya.”  Those words, resonate inside of me. He was also the man who handed me money every time I did something for him, even though I didn’t want to take it.  He was the man who would go out of his way to help but somehow, never seemed to boast about it, or even acknowledge that he had helped.  He was a man with a HUGE heart.  He was a great example of Christ. (as long as I’ve known him)

My heart hurts for the Andrea and her family.  Knowing Roland is in a perfect place, and left on such a great note helps, but the hurt is still real.  We all love Roland, and he will be missed.

To wish condolences, or to view Andrea’s account on this, you can checkout her site over at www.shalomexistence.com

In Loving Memory of Roland Underwood.
Rest in Peace.

I was going to try to come up with all sorts of spiritual reasons, I was going to try to be really smart. But, here’s the real. I am going to start working out and eating healthier. Yesterday, I watched a woman say goodbye to her husband. Yesterday, I realized, I do not want that to happen. I don’t want Andrea to have to endure that. I know I can’t control everything, and Got ultimately will have to decide that but, I do know that I can do everything in my power to avoid that. Step one, healthy diet, step two, exercise.

I know, it sounds tough, but I think I can do it. I don’t really have a “target” weight loss, I just have a target. Lose this fat gut. Look good in medium shirts again, and not get winded walking up stairs. God has given me all sorts of blessings. In a way, I feel like I am taking them for granted. That’s just silly. He has let me live through everything, and I treat my body like a junk(food)yard. It’s just not smart.

So. Starting today, I am eating right. That doesn’t mean diet, it is just a lifestyle change, and I am going to exercise. If it starts as 15 on a treadmill… so be it. I will improve, and in a year, I’ll be a healthy married man.

**pause** **Think**

What is God doing to me!? I’ll blog on that later!

To continue on Tuesday’s track.  I am going to continue to post a child from Compassion who has been waiting for sponsorship for more than six months.

Look at this little girl!  Your 35 dollars a month can be crucial to life, spiritually, mentally and physically.

Name: Cintika Valeri Mamuko
Birthday: October 31, 2000
Age: 7
Gender: Female
Region: Asia
Country: Indonesia
Program: Talentu Student Center

Personal and Family Information:
Cika lives with her father and her mother. At home, duties include making beds. Her father is sometimes employed as a teacher and her mother is sometimes employed. There are 3 children in the family.

As part of Compassion’s ministry, Cika participates in church activities. She is also in primary school where her performance is average. Singing and telling stories are her favorite activities.

Because of your sponsorship, Cika will have new opportunities to learn and grow physically, mentally, and spiritually. Thank you for your concern and prayers.

Cika’s life is waiting on YOU.  Yes. YOU.  To change a Cika’s life, please click here. Cika has been sponsored!  Thank you everyone for making the world a different, better place for this young girl. Don’t just assume someone else will do it.  Because you never no.  If your heart is weighing heavy now, that is God speaking to you.  Only 35 dollars a month.

Maybe you want to stop buying lunch from McDonalds everyday, maybe you want to stop buying that 5 dollar coffee from Starbucks.  That can feed Cika for a month.  That can get Cika an education for a month.  That can give Cika the love she so desperately needs to see.  YOU can give Cika hope!

Please have some Compassion.

Any other day of the week, you can find some more Compassion Children from the links below:

• Toby Keathley – Monday
• Andy McMahon | Crucial Encounter (Me) – Tuesday
• caffeinatedfaith – Wednesday
• shawnw.org – Thursday
• Andrea | Shalom  Existence – Friday

Hi guys.  Today, I am logging on for one reason.  My Future family is hurting.  We absolutely need your prayers.  We are weak, and confused.  I might not be around for a few days, but please, if you have a prayer list at your church, or a circle of close friends you pray with, please lift this family up to the Lord.  Pray for miracles, God’s will, and strength.  To know more about what is going on, please go over to Andrea’s Blog and check it out.  I don’t feel right typing it all out right now.

Thank you guys!  So So Much.