Weight

December 10, 2009 in Uncategorized with 1 Comment

It’s no secret I have been struggling with my weight lately.  But, that’s actually not what I want to write about today. 

My whole life I’ve had issues.  Like, serious issues.  I had a sack full of things that I had drank myself past.  Things I had never dealt with.  Things that, when they happened, I simply made jokes about them, and buried them in the back of my naive little mind. 

a little over two years ago Andrea decided we needed a ‘break’.  I had started drinking again.  I was turning in to a jackass, and Andrea knew where that was taking me.  When she broke up with me, I continued drinking.  One thing she kept telling me was I had issues I needed to work on.  I didn’t want to focus on that.  I wanted to focus on why she didn’t love me, blah blah blah.  I was a broken, broken man.

When I stopped drinking, still single, I decided I needed to go on a journey.  Not a physical journey, but an emotional one.  I started praying heavily for God to lift my weight.  I started praying for God to work me through my pain.  For God to lift:

  • The death of my sister (and the last things I said to her.)
  • The death of my mom (and the last things I said to her.)
  • The death of my best friend (and the fact that I didn’t feel I was a good friend)
  • The death of numorous other friends
  • The pain of a molestation
  • The pain of an abusive childhood
  • The pain of being addicted
  • The pain of not forgiving myself

 

This stuff was really weighing me down.  Somedays it physically hurt to get out of bed.  Every night, I would lay in bed, crying, praying, hurting, alone.  On top of this, fighting the urge to not go get a beer.  For weeks I did this.  (On top of the years I had been hurting)

One night, I had a dream.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I don’t know where I was but, my mom, my sister, and Matthew were all there.  Each of them took about 1 minute to talk to me.  They each spoke directly to my pain.

“Let it go man, you were a great friend.  You were there for me when no one else was, I love you man.  It’s not your fault. You need to forgive yourself Andy. You’re a great person, a great friend.”

“I know you love me.  I’ve known that since the day you were born.  We had a rough history, but I’m your mother.  I love you. I love you. I miss you.”

“Hey, We’re siblings, we fight.  Who would have known that I was going to die that day.  I love you. It’s not your fault.”

Either I didn’t have any time to ask them questions or I couldn’t think of any. It ended just as fast as it began. 

I woke up.  I woke up happy.  I woke up lighter.

That was the day I realized I could love again.  That was the day I started to grasp a love I was never able to grasp.  That was the day Jesus revealed himself to me.  That was the day I knew, no matter what happens in this world, I can see myself past it. 

That was the day I forgave myself. That was the day I learned to love myself.

That was the day I believe Jesus came down, and personally lifted all of that weight off of my shoulders so I could live my life and love to the fullest.

  • http://life-in-prose-and-cons.info Jill

    I experienced an awakening from my depression in the same sort of way. I not only need the emotional journey, but the physical one as well. Being away from everything I associated my depression and pain with helped open my mind and heart to what God had been saying all along.

    Once I realized that I wasn’t damaged goods, that things certain things weren’t my fault, I was able to live and also love. For the first time in years I was able to have relationships with my family, my friends, myself and God.

    Its such a freeing feeling!