Well. I’ve had time to resonate on my marriage and kind of get the hang of it.  Andrea and I have been married for two and a half months now, and it is amazing.

People weren’t kidding when they said it took some adjustments and I think I’m up for the challenge.   Andrea is my best friend, so I think that makes it a little easier and a little more difficult all at once.  We have (most of) the same things in common, and we generally are feeling the same way on any given day.  She has such a passion for the things I care about and it’s amazing to watch her grow, (And attempt to grow with her) I truely am blessed to be married to such a wonderful woman.

I still struggle sometimes.  My biggest struggle I think is confidence.  Before, if I screwed up in anyway, it was really the consequences I had to think about for myself.  Kind of a selfish way of operating, but it worked for me.  Now, it’s completely different.  If I screw up, I am not only hurting myself, but my wife.  I don’t care who you are, that’s a lot of pressure! That is something I have to work and pray through.  Most importantly, I need to trust God.  I need to trust that in Him I am a new creation, and pray for the strength each day to move forward with a strong head, heart, and will power.

The coolest thing about my wife, (Besides from saying ‘my wife’) is when I see her, my heart still speeds up.  When I look at her, I still get a little nervous, and when she speaks I am constantly wowed. (And so is everyone else.)

For anyone who knows our story, and what mess we were both climbing out of when our lives intersected, you understand the emotion for me.  You understand that this isn’t just a woman I love, this is a woman who has stood by me through my ups and downs, withdrawels, and every single internal struggle you can imagine.  This is a woman who deserves the world and got me.  If you know our story you know the God moment.  A God moment that will last to the end of our lives.  It doesn’t get more powerful than that!

Today, I am going to live shouting praises to Heaven.  Today I am going to fall in love with my wife even more.  Today, I am going to thank God I met the woman of my dreams.  Today I’m in love even more than yesterday.  (With my wife and with God)

How many ways can I say I love God?  Probably a million.  I’m pretty good at it I think.

Yesterday I was on the phone with Washington Mutual. (Don’t bank there)  I asked the guy, “So, you’re willing to lose a customer over this?”  and he said, “I don’t believe that i communicated that to you.” I quickly replied with, “There is more than one way to communicate, you’re using two, words and actions and your actions tell me that you don’t care and you are willing to lose a customer.”

Weird that it took me 2 hours on the phone with a bank to admit that outloud.  I like to hide behind words proclaiming that I love Jesus.  My actions don’t always say that.  Certainly not when I’m having a bad day.  Certainly not when I’m yelling on the phone with a kid.. er… callroom manager at the bank.  Take away 170 dollars of my hard earned money, and BOOM.  My actions are not communicating the Love of Christ at all.  It’s scary.  How can I be so fast to disarm my love and fly off the handle?

I even do it to my wife. (gasp)  Sometimes, I get frustrated at a situation, and instead of the text book answer, “God will handle this, let’s pray.” It goes into a bunch of words that are probably best not rewritten.  I apologize, and I mean it, but I cannot undo my words or my actions. Whether it’s the profanity that seems to flow like a river out of my mouth when I’m upset, or the door I shut too hard.  It’s anger.  Anger.  Man.. I have some stuff to pray through.. You can pray with me, er… for me if you feel it.

I have actions I want to get rid of, I have words that I want to dispose.  I have anger that I want to evacuate from my soul.  That requires a complete surrender.  A funeral if you will, a death to self.  Can you pray that I die to my body?  (But, PLEASE be careful how you word that.)

I could go on and on about actions but I’m not going to.  I’m going to end this now and really think about what I wrote.

Thank you God for today.

Amen.

Three Years ago today I quit using drugs.  Three years ago today I decided to be alive.  Three years ago today I had an open wound from being stabbed.  Three years ago today I was fired from my job.  Three years ago I was evicted from my home.  Three years ago I lost some very close friends. (I thought)  Three years ago today I lost faith in myself, and my life. Three years ago today, was the best day of my life.

Looking back, I can see the unmistakable touch of God.  In 24 hours, he completely removed me from everything that kept me addicted.  Ten short days from three years ago today, I began talking to a young lady who would completely change my life and without knowing it, motivate me to live through the last of withdrawels.  Inspire me to be better, and eventually would become my wife.

Today, I have been saved by Jesus Christ.  Today, I have a job I have had for 2.5 years. (Where I have moved up from warehouse to Network Administrator).  Today I have a healed scar from a stab wound.  Today I have a home.  Today I have a wife, whom in reality, I don’t deserve.  Today I am alive.  Today I think God is smiling, saying, “I told you so.”

How Great is Our God?

Thank you God

I wrote this blog a while back.  like.. over a year ago.  I used to hate the word potential.  It haunted my every move.  “I don’t know why you are failing, you have so much potential!”  yadda yadda yadda.  Well, I found this, I don’t remember writing it, and I want to repost it.  When I wrote this, Andrea and I were…. “On a break.”  So.. If it sounds a little crazy, it’s becaus without here, I tend to be a little crazy.  (Right baby?) Man, it’s amazing how much can change in a year. Thank you Jesus.  So here.. “Potential Again…”

Here I am. A rough patch. So many things running through my head, but the obvious answer is right there. Last night I had a dream about potential. Since I can remember, and I’m sure some of you can too, I loathe potential. Never really knew why until now.

Potential means, simply put, “The ability of doing”. It’s funny. I have avoided it my whole life. I never considered the people I was damaging, or what i wasn’t accomplishing because of it. I just feared the word, because I took it as an insult.

I have the potential to make my life better. Not the life you are thinking of. Not the standard, grow up, have a family, have kids. The End. Not that. I have the potential to witness, I have the potential to take care of my past. I have the drive to reconcile my past. I want to get rid of the things in my past that irk me. Sure, I feel I have come a long way in dealing with family deaths, and friend deaths. But, what about the abuse, what about the fact that when things get serious, or intense, I shut down.

What about humanity? I have the potential to reach them, or some of them. Instead, I’m cruising along on a low pay salary, thinking, “Other people are doing that”. The fact of the matter is, I have more than potential, I have ability. Abilities beyond this world. God has blessed me with more than I could ever ask for, and sometimes, I blow it.

I like to look at the big picture. (Who doesn’t) What it’s all going to be like, what changes need to be made? any? But then, I refuse to act on it. It’s because I’m afraid. It’s not comfortable to talk about the abuse, (mental, physical, sexual) And more importantly, When I let it go, Who will I be. I have been a self loathing person for so long, I don’t know what do about it.

What about the small picture? Can I make one for myself. Yes. Is it going to be a Picasso? I don’t know. But, I know that somewhere, that small picture is going to meet another small picture and be an epic. A stamp in time. If I can use my “potential”. It is not a bad feeling, just scary. I have SO MANY things to work out. Most importantly, who am I? I mean alone, who am I? I think that’s what everyone is telling me to figure out. The answer is. Broken. But not beyond repair. Everyone needs help. Regardless of what my family has told me. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to stumble. Everyone struggles.

My final thesis. I’m not afraid of potential. As a matter of fact, I embrace it now. God has given everyone potential, and also freewill. I have ran from what God has given me, and I cannot do that anymore. The only thing is, it’s not going to be potential for long, it’s going to be actions.