I am taking a lot of things in right now. I’m not incredibly smart, so it takes me a while to process my thoughts. There are tons of things brewing in my head, but as of right now, I’ve got nothing, so I’m not going to try and force anything out here.

I can say that yesterday was pretty great considering. I got to lay around with my wife all day, (Minus Church and lunch) and just relax. And.. The Falcons are going to the playoffs! That’s a pretty awesome thing.

Yesterday was a day, when I looked at my wife, and fell in love even more. Man. I am a lucky person. The fact that I can wake up, and be MORE in love seemed impossible, yet it happens. Whats a good blog to read today? Leave it in the comments, and I’ll go check it out.

I’m not one to brag, or speak highly of myself… basically because I’m far too awesome to do that.  Seriously.

Lately I feel like I am the most blessed person alive.  I have a job and it’s decent enough.  I don’t dread it most days.  I have an apartment, and some of the latest gadgets. (not that that shows blessings.)  My health is not bad aside from the occasional cold.  Oh, and by the way. HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE?  So many people poured their blessings and gifts onto us at our wedding.  Everything seems to be going friggin awesome!

As part of my life, I realize that there are ups and downs.  For the earlier part of my life I knew to expect the downs, so with all of this good there is only one thing I can think of.  Why?  Why is this so good.  Part of me is so paranoid it’s almost impossible to enjoy the good sometimes.  I feel like there is something waiting around the corner to pop me in the face.  You know that feeling?

With my dad’s looming health, the economy where it is, and 100 things that could crumble around me, I can’t help but be a little cynical in this entire ordeal.  I am a weak weak person.  My strengths are only because of the mercy of God.  My weaknesses have made those strengths almost obsolete at times.

What do I do about this?  In my mind, I know the best thing to do is to keep making myself stronger.  Keep my faith high, and praise higher.  Also in my mind I know I screw up.  More than you probably.  So, I just wish there were a sure fire way to make sure I am strong enough when the time comes.  I’m stubborn, so if I can translate that into strength then I’m good.

My prayer every night is for God to prepare me for what is around the corner.  For God to give me strength, when the bad weather comes, to wait it out.  For me to be able to hold strong in his undying love, even when I don’t feel like I can hold strong anymore.

See, now it’s not just me I have to worry about.  I have a wife.  A wife I made very strong vows to, and vows I will keep forever.  If you want to keep these thoughts in your prayers, I wouldn’t mind at all.

I’ve been having some very weird nightmares lately.  Not horrible, oh my goodness, that’s horrible nightmares, but nightmares that attack…. well, my heart more than my head or fears.  Weird right?  Anyway, I don’t know what causes nightmares, or… or how to stop having them.. so if you have any ideas or feedback, let me know.

OH. Could allergy medicine do it?  Just wondering, because if it can.. maybe that’s it.  Any ideas?

I was molested.  It’s weird, I kinda always just thought boys can’t be molested, so I guess it was never really a big deal.  I was around 6.  It was quite embarrassing, and I won’t go into details.  Looking back it’s just disturbing.  My babysitter, whose name I still remember clearly, was 16 years old.

At the time, I thought nothing of it, because, I guess, I wasn’t old enough to think anything of it.  My mom acted as though she thought something of it, but that wasn’t the last time we would have that babysitter watch us.  (It was the last time for quite a while, but I guess desperate times call for desperate measures?? I don’t know.)

It wasn’t until a little over a year ago I confronted that issue.  The hurt, and mental blocking.   Andrea and I had ‘taken a break’.  I was on a quest (Triggered by Andrea) to work out the hurt in my life I never dealt with.  The hurt of loosing a parent, a sibling and several best friends.  I had no intention of working through this because I just pushed it to the back of my mind.  While I was praying one night, it just hit me.  All of the embarrassment, pain, strife and anger came out.  I was bawling.  Laying in Gods arms and just crying.  “Maybe this IS a problem.” I kept thinking to myself.  “Maybe this is a root of some of the things I’ve done.”  I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist, but maybe that had something to do with the way I went about life.   Maybe this explained my early hunger for promiscuity.

When I finally told Andrea, I don’t think she knew what to say.  If I remember correctly, I think she said, “Wow.” and paused for a few minutes, (While I bawled)  Then she said, “Just let it all go.”  (I don’t think it was until later we talked about the forgiveness aspect, though I could be completely wrong.) What she said was perfect, and helped me move forward in healing.  What an amazing woman. (Even when we were on our ‘break’.)

That’s what I did that night.  I gave it all to Jesus.  I know it sounds so cliche to say that.  “Let go, Let God.” blah blah.  I know, but that’s what I did.  I think sometimes it takes me being completely broken to be able to completely ask for Jesus to heal me.  I don’t know if that speaks something about my personality, or why I was agnostic for so long, but I have to be completely broken down.

Looking back on a year ago, I see an angry, broken, unhealed man.  When I look at myself today, yes. I still see bits of that anger.  It comes out sometimes, and that is something I pray about hugely.  But I am NOT broken.  I am NOT unhealed.  A year ago, Jesus wrapped his arms around me, and told me that everything was ok.  That it was not my fault, and that I did not have to suffer anymore.

How amazing is the healing touch of Jesus Christ?  How amazing is a man that starts in a manger, all the way to jail, beaten and then hung on a Cross to die. Only to rise again three days later, and give this World eternal hope!  How amazing is it that he is still healing to this day!  How amazing that I can say I have been healed.  I have been loved!  Praise God!

Forgive us Father, we know not what we do.