Questions, with a side of life (repost from 7/09/06)

A lot has been going through my mind lately, questions about my faith, my purpose, why I do the things I do, and, why am I not good at doing certain things. I stopped for a moment today, my back turned to my girlfriend, with tears running down my face, and let it all go. I told her I feel like a waste of space, like, I’m not moving towards my purpose, if anything, I feel like I’m regressing. Here I am, 23 years old, with the entire world staring me in the face, and I’m cowering like a child in a haunted house. Feeling a little defeated, I didn’t want to talk much more, so I did my normal quiet routine, not expecting a response. I didn’t feel there was much to say that hadn’t already been said.

“Everything you’re doing is moving towards your purpose. Reading the Bible, and building your relationship with Jesus.”

That’s all she said. That’s all she had to say. I realized today, a relationship with God isn’t a twelve step program. It’s not something where I can just show up once a week and praise, or read the bible occasionally, and BOOM! it will happen. I have to make my life his. Surrender, so to speak, my life to Christ Jesus. In theory, I thought I had. (Being saved) But, I haven’t even began. I realized, the answer I’ve been looking for, a way out of this self-doubt, to fend of the tricks Satan is playing on me, is right here.

When this world starts getting me down, don’t cower, don’t ignore my problems. Ask the Lord. Someone told me, it’s easy to ask God for what you want, but nearly impossible to ask him for what you need. I never really took that in, until just now. My stubbornness to ask the Lord is the reason Satan is still getting the best of my mind.