Forgiveness.

I wrote this blog a while back on an old blog site.  I haven’t posted there in forever, and recently I received a comment on this blog.  I don’t think I’ve reposted it before.  Here is the comment I received. It touched me… I actually touched someone.  Wow.

You don’t know me, but I found your blog due to the picture you posted of “Forgiveness”. I was looking for my own picture of forgiveness due to a currant situation I am having with my own family at the moment.

What you wrote here makes PERFECT sense!! ~_~ Thankyou because what you wrote there at the end…about not being so mad and just letting go….it’s what I needed to hear/read! Thankyou!!! I have a very important beginning to the problem that has been plagueing me and no one had an answer for yet.

~akb.
(just me…)

In this world, I am probably not known as the calmest person, probably not even as the most understanding person. I would say though, that with enough time, I can forgive anyone, of anything. I cannot even get into some of the situations in which I have forgiven. But, some might say it’s too much. I was thinking about myself, where I stand as this new year rolls in. What are my main struggles? Is there anyone I haven’t forgiven? Is there anyone I haven’t talked to about why I’m upset?

I thought about it and prayed about it and thought about it some more. I can’t think of anyone I have not forgiven. Well….. I can think of one person…. Myself. There are a lot of things that have hurt me in my life. Even a lot this last year. I can still look back and say, “If I had done this differently…” or “I shouldn’t have said that.” I haven’t forgiven myself. I sit here, thinking about how my whole life, I have been so content with blaming myself. That if I took all the blame it would make everything better. Mom wouldn’t be as mad, or my girlfriend would be happy knowing that it was all my fault, and not hers. My friends would be glad to hear that I took the blame and they were off the hook. I never needed my own forgiveness.

I don’t know if that is entirely true. I mean, I know that God forgives, yadda yadda, but I’ve always wondered. People often say, no one can love you if you don’t love yourself. Is it the same with forgiveness? Does that include God? Meaning, God can’t forgive me until I forgive myself? Don’t get me wrong. I am not questioning God’s love, or forgiveness. I guess what I am asking is, is it really love or forgiveness if there isn’t an end willing to accept it? Have I been really blocking the fullness of God’s love and forgiveness because of my discontent with myself?

I don’t know if that makes sense or not, but it does to me. I am saying this though. There is no reason for me to be so pissed off at myself, or anybody else for that matter. There is no reason for me to sit and dwell on things I could have done differently or should not have done. I don’t have the time for that. I guess the thing is, I’m not perfect, but I don’t think anyone in this world is. I have made mistakes, and some might say worse mistakes than others. I don’t know. I don’t think it matters. What makes someone who they are is who they love and what they forgive. Which I guess that makes me a pretty awesome person. I don’t fall into all of that “New Years Resolutions” jabber. But I can say, this year, I am not going to hold grudges against anyone who trespasses against me, not even myself. Andy, I forgive me.