I think we all have them.  I think everyone has that dark part of their mind, where they bury their deepest most painful memories, thoughts, and places.  As I write this, my heart is pounding.  The memories are running through my head, my veins, and I am almost nervous to dig these up.  I have told my Fiance stories of this house.  We have even driven by there.  Every time I see it, my eyes water up.  It’s the house I lived in on and off from the age of 9 or 10, all the way to 22.

The fights, the screaming, the drinking, everything rushes through me like a flooding river of emotions.  Don’t get me wrong, I do have some great memories there.  Playing in the woods with Matthew and Omar.  Parusing the neighborhood like we owned it.  But the pain greatly outweighs the good.

You see, this was the house where everything went wrong.  If you look on the top of the garage, that is our patio.  That is where my Mom told me she had Hepatitis C, and she wasn’t expected to live long. The patio is where my mom would sit before she got sick, drinking and smoking dope.    To the right of the front door, That was the master bedroom, that is where my father tackled me to the ground, and then had a heart attack directly on top of me.  That is where I was when I realized I could get punched by my mother and not flinch.

The first window from the left.  That was our kitchen.  That is where everything crazy happened.  I was actually thrown through that window by my mom’s friend. (On accident)  The kitchen, with the little 12 inch TV, is where the late night drinkings happened.  Where my older sister passed out of near alcohol poisoning on New Years, 1999.  It’s where my dad has had one heart attack, and where my mom held a knife to her wrist, threatening to kill herself.

The next window over, that was our dining room.  That is where my mom and my sister had a good amount of their fights.  Where I would have to get in between them.  taking punches, crying for them to stop.    That is where my dad had a fit of dementia and tried to comb his hair with a switchblade, and I had to wrestle him to the ground and pull the knife out of his hand. (My dad is a large large man) That is where we only had dinners on Thanksgiving, and that turned into a fight every year.  That is the room the first (and only) time I punched my dad.  That room is a room filled with emotion, tears, and brotherly love.  A lot of my anger was unleashed in that room, a lot of my (what I thought was) growing up took place.

Downstairs, is where everything else took place.  More fighting, more mistakes.  Downstairs is where I saw my best friend laying dead on our couch in our living room.  Downstairs is where I drank myself to a near coma when I found out my sister had died.  Downstairs is where I was drinking when I found out my mother was in the ICU from her car accident.  Downstairs.  Downstairs.

I can’t even begin to get into the drug use that took place.  I can’t even begin to say how ashamed I am for my actions just as much as my families actions.

I am almost embarrassed to say how much I am shaking from piling this all together.  How much it all still hurts.  How much I hate that house.  The stories don’t end there, but my nerves do.  I can’t begin to talk about everything else that happened in that house.

I truly believe God reached down and pulled me out of that mess.  Being evicted from that house, (Not the first time we were evicted, and not the last) was a great thing that happened to me.  Getting out of that house was God’s Saving, amazing beautiful love.  Even before I loved Him.  Right now, I am sad.  Right now, I am overwhelmed with emotion from just looking at that picture.  Right now, I know God has me, and that is what makes this OK.  That is what gives me the strength to publish this post.  Jesus Christ is lifting my heart, and allowing me to love.  Allowing me to let go.  Finally.

I pray that God can reach down and take this anxiety away.  I pray that God can touch someone else with this post.  I hope you know that God can remove you from the most sticky situations and make them great.  I pray you know that God doesn’t want you to hurt.  He’s waiting, arms open for you.  He loves you already, regardless of where you are in your life!

Every Tuesday, I post one child I have selected from a list of Children who have been waiting over six months.  A group of bloggers and I have teamed up to make sure every day of the work week is covered by someone.  So please check them out.

• Toby Keathley – Monday
• Andy McBeard | Crucial Encounter (Me) – Tuesday
• caffeinatedfaith – Wednesday
• shawnw.org – Thursday
• Andrea | Shalom  Existence – Friday

Today I chose Ayubu.  Ayubu has been waiting longer than six months and lives in an AIDS infected area.  That puts him at a high risk for HIV/AIDS.  Your 35 bucks a month could REALLY REALLY save this kids life!  If Ayubu does in fact have HIV/AIDS, your money will help! But most importantly, your letters could be what he is looking forward to.  Your letters could give him motivation to move forward.  Motivation to live.  This is an awful awful truth in our world.  Can you help?  To Sponsor Ayubu, please click here or any of the images in this post! Ayubu has been sponsored thanks to someone out there.  You guys are amazing!  Thanks SO SO MUCH!

Name:      Ayubu Abel Yusto
Birthday:   July 21, 2003    Age: 5
Gender:     Male
Region:     Africa
Country:   Tanzania
Program:  TAG Kitete Student Center

Personal and Family Information:
Ayubu lives with his father and his mother. His father is sometimes employed as a farmer and his mother is sometimes employed as a farmer. Ayubu works at home carrying water, gathering firewood and buying or selling in the market.

For fun, Ayubu enjoys soccer, playing with cars and walking. He attends church activities and Bible class regularly and is in kindergarten where his performance is average.

Because of your sponsorship, Ayubu will have new opportunities to learn and grow physically, mentally, and spiritually. If you find it in your heart today, please sponsor this child.  He needs you more than ever.  If you find it in your heart any other day, check out the links above, OR just go to www.compassion.com and find a child that needs you.  It’s really simple.  Thank you guys for supporting this cause!